Lieutenant Disher: Well, I've got the day off. I mean, if you can't find anybody else.
Natalie: Hey, is Greenburg still dating that parole officer?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. He married her.
Lieutenant Disher: Actually own my own tuxedo.
Natalie: Ooh! What about that B&E; suspect you brought in last week? He was kinda cute.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.
Lieutenant Disher: I'd be honored if you met my family.
Natalie: It's not a date.
Lieutenant Disher: I understand.
Natalie: I just, I, I need a buffer. I can't handle my family alone.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm a buffer. I mean, I'm very buff. I mean, no pun intended. Of course, I thought I was being funny.
Natalie: Separate rooms.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, I should think so.

Natalie: Here is the invitation. It's in Pebble Beach.
Lieutenant Disher: Cool. - Who's Jonathan Davenport?
Natalie: That's my brother.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're always kissably fresh with Davenport, like the toothpaste.
Natalie: I'm actually not like the toothpaste. We are the toothpaste.

Adrian Monk: Why didn't you ever tell us?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, if you spent three minutes with them, you'd understand. I kept Mitch's name for a reason. I don't want any part of them or that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So I guess you're kinda loaded, huh?
Natalie: They are. They wouldn't offer me a nickel. I wouldn't take it if they did. This doesn't change anything, does it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Adrian Monk: Well, why would it? You're, you're still Natalie. You're, you're still you. And we're still us.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And you're loaded.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, Davenport.

Lieutenant Disher: They look nice.
Natalie: Oh, then you'll fit right in. Because looking nice is what matters around here. When I was in high school, all they cared about was whether I was dating the right guy from the right family.
Lieutenant Disher: And? Did you?
Natalie: I dated all the wrong guys. Some of them were really wrong.
Lieutenant Disher: Like Mitch.
Natalie: They still refuse to put his picture on the piano.
Lieutenant Disher: What, that means something?
Natalie: Yeah, it means something to them, and me. God, I'm sweating. I feel like I'm allergic to them.

Natalie: Oh, this is my friend. This is Randy Disher.
Lieutenant Disher: Mr. and Mrs. Davenport, it's a pleasure to meet you. Both of you. I've heard great things about you.
Bobby Davenport: Like what?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, uh, I mean, not about you, specifically. About your toothpaste. Especially that new kind with the mouthwash built right in. Bet you were the inspiration for that. [Natalie chuckles]
Bobby Davenport: Why? What's wrong with my breath?
Lieutenant Disher: What time is it?
Natalie: What?
Lieutenant Disher: [checks his watch] What time is it?

Peggy Davenport: There's something wrong with this bloody Mary. Oh, honey! You're a bartender. Taste that.
Natalie: Mom, I'm not a bartender anymore.
Peggy Davenport: Oh, I'm, I'm sorry. You're, you're, um, a junior detective or something.
Natalie: I'm an assistant to a private investigator.
Peggy Davenport: Well, it's just so hard to keep straight. I mean, what is this, job number 17? Randy, sweetheart, be a dear. Taste this for me. What's wrong with it?
Lieutenant Disher: Not enough celery salt.
Peggy Davenport: Oh, that's it. That's exactly what I thought.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, listen, I gotta get going. You're okay, right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm fine. You don't have to check in on me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. I promised Natalie that I would. And I swore on my mother's eyes.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I'm not a baby. I'll be fine here. Alone. All day. Here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You got something to drink?
Adrian Monk: It's in the fridge. There's a chart on the inside of the door. It's color-coded.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't need the chart, Monk.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you got
Adrian Monk: Condensation. The air conditioner was running. And the humidity is, what? About 70%. So that car was idling right here for about 20 minutes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So, what, he was waiting for him?
Adrian Monk: From the tire tracks here, he must have peeled out full speed.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So, what, he didn't even try to brake. Or make the turn. Son of a bitch! What happened? He was only here for an hour. Did he piss somebody off?
Natalie: No.

Natalie: Captain, it's not your case.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Like hell it's not.
Lieutenant Bristo: She's right, captain. It's my backyard. Lieutenant Bristo. Monterey County Police. How you doing? Don't worry, you'll be copied on every statement. Where you staying?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, right here, I guess. This is Adrian Monk. He'll be staying here too.
Adrian Monk: I, I, I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He'll be staying here too.
Adrian Monk: I guess I'll be staying here too.

Boy: Stop it! He keeps touching my food!
Adrian Monk: No, I wasn't. I was just helping the lad. He seems kind of confused about... It's mushing all together here. He's, uh, he's fine. He's gonna be all right.