Derek Philby: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm just making them even.
Derek Philby: But you're mixing the regular with the decaf.
Adrian Monk: But they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: But they're they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: But they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: ... But they're even. So the test was in progress when the car alarm sounded?

Sharona: Adrian, don't do that.
Adrian Monk: I'm just centering the pieces.
Sharona: I know what you're doing. I'm trying to concentrate.
Adrian Monk: Hold on. You'll thank me later.
Sharona: You always say that. Have I ever once thanked you later?
Adrian Monk: No.

Adrian Monk: Oh, ho-ho! You don't want to move there.
Sharona: Why not?
Adrian Monk: I'll capture your queen with my bishop. [Sharona licks the chess piece] What are you doing?
Sharona: What? Your move.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, I win. You just forfeited.
Sharona: Why?
Adrian Monk: You can't do that. It's illegal.
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: You know what. You can't lick the queen. She's my queen. Doesn't matter whose queen it is. You can't lick any queen. It's an unwritten rule.
Sharona: There's an unwritten licking-the-queen rule?
Adrian Monk: You're not even allowed to touch a piece during a game. You can ask anybody.
Sharona: Oh, my God. You have been touching pieces left and right. You have been sexually harassing every piece on this board.
Adrian Monk: I was centering them. That's different.
Sharona: How's that different?
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay. Okay. I'll move. There.
Sharona: Check.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, I imagine this is your worst nightmare a crime scene on a roof.
Adrian Monk: No. It's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. Uh... No, wait. Fifth. No, fourth. Fourth. Fourth or fifth. I didn't bring the list with me.

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Excuse me. My name is Adrian Monk, and this is Sharona Fleming, my assistant.
Sharona: Col- Colleague.
Adrian Monk: My assistant-slash-colleague.
Sharona: Colleague-slash-assistant.

Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Sharona: Who's the guy?
Adrian Monk: "Mr. Science." Derek Philby. He asked about a suicide note. I never mentioned a note.
Sharona: Well, maybe he just assumed. Isn't there usually a suicide note?
Adrian Monk: As a matter of fact, there isn't. Also, he cheats on his wife.
Sharona: How do we know this?
Adrian Monk: Wedding ring.
Sharona: He was wearing his wedding ring.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know. But he takes it off a lot. When he opened his wallet, I noticed a small indentation in the leather where he keeps it.
Sharona: You noticed that? A little indentation?
Adrian Monk: It's a gift and a curse.

Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Sharona: But, Adrian, he was proctoring the S.A.T.s at the time, and there were 50 students in the room.
Adrian Monk: That's true.
Sharona: So how could he have killed her? He can't be in two places at once.
Adrian Monk: I know. It's impossible. But he's the guy.

Adrian Monk: I bet you always sat at the popular kids' table. I bet that was you over there.
Sharona: Where were you?
Adrian Monk: I'm over there. I should go over and talk to him.
Sharona: What would you say?
Adrian Monk: "Things get worse."
Lunch Lady: Mixed vegetables or mac-cheese?
Sharona: Can I have both?
Adrian Monk: Can I have neither?

Adrian Monk: There's my girl.
Sharona: She looked happy.
Adrian Monk: Oh, she was very happy. She hadn't met me yet.

Sharona: Brings back memories, huh?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Mostly bad ones. Did you check out Beth Landow's appointment book?
Sharona: Yeah. Nothing unusual. She had a doctor's appointment three days ago. I'm-I'm looking into it. [to the lunch lady] Oh, thank you.
Adrian Monk: From this angle, that looks a little bit like food.
Lunch Lady: It's vegetarian lasagna.
Adrian Monk: No, thank you.