Uniformed Cop #2: Sir, you can't park there.
Marty Eels: It's all right. It's okay. I'm a detective. I'm a detective. One second. Here we go. Here we, um, hold that. I got it. I usually keep it right...Oh, I got it. Here we go. Marty Eels, private investigator. I'm here to save your butts. Captain! Captain Stottlemeyer!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, hell.
Lieutenant Disher: Who's that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Marty Eels. He's a private investigator. Nickel and dime stuff. Divorces, insurance fraud. He's a professional pain in the ass.

Marty Eels: Hey, captain. Captain, you're looking great. You're losing weight or your shirts are getting bigger.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Marty. I heard the D.A. pulled your license.
Marty Eels: No, no, that was just a temporary suspension. No, no, no. No, no. That was just a little misunderstanding.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A misunderstanding?
Marty Eels: Well, that's all ancient history anyway, so so I was just, you know, riding around in the neighborhood. And I heard a call go out on the police scanner, and...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Marty, I'm busy.
Marty Eels: Yeah, yeah, that's why I thought I'd come down here and lend a hand. So what do we got? The jewelry store was robbed. Well, that's obvious. We got a dead rent-a-cop and a missing store manager. So, let me guess, you're thinking the store manager's doing this...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, something like that.
Marty Eels: So let me look around, huh? I mean, an extra pair of eyes can't hurt. And who knows? I could see something you guys are missing.
Lieutenant Disher: We're not missing anything, Mr. Eels. We've got a CSI team here. And, uh, see that man over there? That's Adrian Monk. I think we're in pretty good hands.

Uniformed Cop: Captain, Monk says I can't just throw this away. I gotta take it, like, a mile away and bury it.
Marty Eels: Could I see that?
Uniform Cop: Yeah.
Marty Eels: You can't throw this away. This, this is evidence. [sniffs] This is fresh. Mmm, I'd say this is less than ninety-minutes old.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Marty.
Marty Eels: But isn't that when you said all this was probably going down? The dog could've belonged to the victim or to one of the perps. I think this is important. Monk was gonna throw this away.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Um. You know, he might be right. Let's, um, book that into evidence.
Uniform Cop: Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, look. [points to dog]
Marty Eels: Did that store manager live in Oakland?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, how'd you know that?
Marty Eels: That's his dog. That's from Oakland. You can see the blue license on its collar.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What, you can see that from here?
Marty Eels: A little something I call "attention to detail." but...
Captain Stottlemeyer: [to Disher] Go get the dog.

[Marty Eeles goes and lies down on the ground next to the covered body of the victim]
Natalie: What the hell is he doing?
Adrian Monk: Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, he did spot the dog's license from a block away.
Marty Eels: Okay. They drove off in Gumbal's car. They headed South. They're gonna dump it as soon as they can.
Lieutenant Disher: We're already checking the airport.
Marty Eels: No, that's a waste of time. They would never go there. There's too much security. Try the train station.
Lieutenant Disher: Train station.
Marty Eels: Yeah. Try, um, San Bruno or Millbrae.

Adrian Monk: They probably panicked when they shot the guard. Maybe they dropped the gun or some bloody clothes somewhere nearby. [sniffs the dog's nose]
Adrian Monk: What, what are you doing there? What-
Marty Eels: This dog has been sniffing around a sewer recently. See these sewer grates around here? The perps might have stuffed something down in there and maybe this dog saw them do it.
Adrian Monk: You gotta be kidding. He's, he's kidding, right? He's joking. The man is joking.
Marty Eels: It'll just take two minutes to check it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Officer! Take a look in that sewer grate.
Adrian Monk: Captain. From smelling a dog. That's impossible.
Uniformed Cop: Captain! They were stuffed down the drain just like he said.

Marty Eels: [on the news] No. No, mom. I wasn't on the news. Because there were no reporters there yet. I found a lot of clues. I found three or four big clues. Cap, captain was very impressed with me. Wait. He just walked in. He'll tell you. One second. Captain, it's my mother. Tell her, tell her how good I was on the crime scene.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [takes the phone] Uh, Mrs. Eels? Hi. Uh, yeah. Marty did great. You'd be very proud of him. He's a first-rate detective. I look forward to meeting you too, ma'am. Okay, bye-bye. [hangs up phone] What were those beeps?
Marty Eels: Oh, she was, she was at work. She works for Pacific Global Airlines. She's a, she's a quality control operator.

Marty Eels: So, captain, am I on the case or what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: First, I have to ask you a couple questions.
Marty Eels: Yeah, yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Where were you yesterday morning at 8:00?
Marty Eels: You mean, when the robbery was happening?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Marty Eels: You guys think I had something to do with that? Why? Because you can't keep up with me on a crime scene?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Where were you, Marty?
Marty Eels: I was at the hospital. St. Andrew's. They thought I had a concussion.
Lieutenant Disher: What happened?
Marty Eels: Well... That's kind of embarrassing. I, um I got hit very hard by a client. Hit me very hard. Yeah. Um I was, um, supposed to follow his wife and take pictures.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Whoa. She was cheating on him.
Marty Eels: No. No. That, that, that's him. That's my client.
Natalie: You burst in and took a picture of a man in bed with his own wife?
Marty Eels: Yes, I did. I made a mistake. I'm human. So the bottom line is I was at the hospital when the jewelry thing was happening. You can call them.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We will.
Marty Eels: Why is it so hard for you guys to believe that I'm just this good?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Because, Marty, you were never this good before. In fact, you sort of sucked.

Adrian Monk: Captain, could I? You can't hire this guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He did find the ski masks.
Adrian Monk: By smelling a dog. It's not possible.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, sometimes when you're picking up clues, it seems like magic to me. I don't know how you do it. Maybe he's doing something that you don't understand.
Adrian Monk: I think he's cheating. He's a cheater.
Captain Stottlemeyer: This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.
Adrian Monk: He's cheating.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How?
Adrian Monk: How. I don't know.

Lieutenant Disher: We just found the store manager's car. Guess where it was.
Adrian Monk: Near a train station?
Lieutenant Disher: In San Bruno. Outstanding. You called it, Marty.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let's go check it out. Marty, come here. You ride with me.
Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] He's cheating.