Adrian Monk: I don't have 20.
Natalie: Uh, I have $8. And an I.O.U. for $1,800 from my boss.
Eric Tavela: Who's next?!
Julie Teeger: I could play. $5, right? I'm under 18.
Eric Tavela: You play chess?
Julie Teeger: I was in the chess club for two semesters.
Adrian Monk: Two semesters.
Eric Tavela: Oh, well, that's gonna impress the Vassar Dean of Admissions. It's your move. [Julie plays] The bird opening. I've only seen that five times today.

Adrian Monk: I understand that you almost beat Patrick Kloster.
Eric Tavela: I'll get him next time.
Adrian Monk: What kind of player is he, would you say?
Eric Tavela: Kloster's a behaviorist. He studies you, not the game. He crawls inside your head, and it's kinda spooky.
Natalie: Yeah, what is a poisoned pawn?
Eric Tavela: Well, the poisoned pawn is a trap. He dangles a pawn in the middle of the board. And, you know, most people can't resist it. And then he swoops in and crushes you. [defeats Julie]
Adrian Monk: They can't resist it.
Eric Tavela: That's checkmate. Thank you, Vassar. That was fun.
Adrian Monk: A trap. A trap she couldn't resist.
Natalie: What? What? What? What? I know that look. You did it, didn't you? you figured it out. Who's the real genius now, huh? Who just outsmarted the smartest guy in the whole world? Tell me "you."
Adrian Monk: I did.

Patrick Kloster: This is a funeral home, Mr. Monk. My wife has just passed. I find that grin on your face rather inappropriate.
Adrian Monk: I know how you did it.
Patrick Kloster: You still think I murdered my wife?
Adrian Monk: You set a trap.
Natalie: Like the poisoned pawn.
Patrick Kloster: Oh, you've been chatting with some chess masters. Good for you.
Adrian Monk: When I was in your bedroom on Wednesday, I noticed a few things. I just didn't put it all together until today. The glass that had recently been washed, some breath mints, some eyedrops.
Patrick Kloster: And what did they tell you?
Adrian Monk: That your wife had started drinking again.
Natalie: Married to you, I don't blame her.
Adrian Monk: She kept it secret, of course. At least, she tried to. How long did it take you to find her secret stash, a day, a week? On Wednesday morning before you left for Canada, you poisoned her bottle then put it back where you found it. Later that day, Linda took a drink.
Natalie: The poisoned pawn.
Adrian Monk: Then she put the bottle back as you knew she would. It really was brilliant. You didn't have to hide the poison. She would drink it then hide it herself. Natalie, call the captain.
Natalie: Yes, sir.
Patrick Kloster: And did you find this bottle or this hidden stash of poison?
Adrian Monk: No, of course not. It was long gone. You had four days to get rid of it. But there are still traces of it in here, in her body. We're gonna run every toxicology test in the book, and we're going to find it.

Natalie: "In chess, as in life, creative strategies executed with daring and precision will allow you to overwhelm your opponent and achieve your goal. The end." And may I say, thank God.
Adrian Monk: Keep reading. Here's the next one.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, come on. We've been reading his books all day. What good are they doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm getting into his head. He's in my head. I have to be in his head, so we're in each other's heads.
Natalie: "Chess Domination by Patrick Kloster." Well, this will be the opposite of fun. "For my queen, Tatiana."
Adrian Monk: You don't have to read the dedication.

Natalie: What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?
Adrian Monk: I'll never deposit it.
Natalie: But, Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, then you can pay your staff. And when I say "staff," I mean me.
Adrian Monk: But she came to me. I didn't protect her.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.
Adrian Monk: What about the promise I made that he wouldn't get away with it?
Natalie: You made a promise to me too.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Oleander.
Natalie: It's from his garden. It's poisonous. Very poisonous.
Adrian Monk: You dry the sap, you grind it into a powder. A quarter of a gram is enough to kill an adult.
Natalie: It would look like she had a heart attack.
Adrian Monk: It did look like she had a heart attack. This is how he did it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So you were in his garden on his property?
Adrian Monk: You said you wanted evidence, hard evidence. Here it is.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, a million people have this flower in their garden. I used to have some.
Adrian Monk: Let's let the D.A. decide.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm not going to the D.A. waving a shrub.

Adrian Monk: How crooked is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, it's very crooked. You're not gonna believe it.
Adrian Monk: Why do you need me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Cause I'm not sure if it is crooked.
Adrian Monk: You just said it's very crooked.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't know, monk. Is anybody else in there? It's in here.
Adrian Monk: There's nothing crooked in here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I hope not.

Adrian Monk: When Trudy was dying, I got there late. Almost too late.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I was there.
Adrian Monk: She was slipping away. She couldn't speak. All she could do was reach out. She- She grabbed me with both hands. Like this. And eleven years later, I still feel it. When I promised Linda Kloster, when I gave her my solemn word that her husband would pay, she grabbed my hand the exact same way. I'm not letting this one go. I'm not moving on.

Patrick Kloster: That's an illegal move, Mr. Monk. Something I'd expect from a much weaker player. The truth is, I have been waiting for you all night. I'd almost given up.
Adrian Monk: You were waiting for me?
Patrick Kloster: Hmm. Ever since I noticed a branch missing from an oleander bush in my garden. You don't really think that window was left unlocked by accident, do you, Mr. Monk? Mmm, breaking and entering. I believe that is a felony. Oh, don't worry. I'm not a litigious man. I prefer to settle my problems out of court, as you well know. I am replaying a match of mine from 1995. Boris Spassky was playing white. Where would we be without our little games, hey, Mr. Monk? 64 perfect little squares. An island of order in a chaotic world. This is where I beat him, right there.
Adrian Monk: This is a wedding gift. You dedicated one of your books to "My queen Tatiana." You were married before?
Patrick Kloster: Very good, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Divorced?
Patrick Kloster: My wife died.
Adrian Monk: She must have been quite ill.
Patrick Kloster: Yes, she was.
Adrian Monk: Let me guess, heart attack?

Patrick Kloster: You're making a big mistake.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You made the mistake, Kloster.
Lieutenant Disher: You should have had your first wife cremated too.
Medical Examiner: Sorry for the delay. We know how important this is, so we wanted to make sure. There was no poison in the body. We didn't find a thing.
Adrian Monk: Impossible.
Medical Examiner: The woman died of natural causes. We're sure of it.
Patrick Kloster: Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: What for?
Patrick Kloster: Uh, our little game. To be honest with you, I'm sorry it's over.