Sharona: How'd you know the name of the book?
Adrian Monk: The little story he told at dinner about the bridge collapsing. It was a novel from the '20s called The Bridge at San Luis Rey.
Sharona: Don't do this. Every time I like somebody, you ruin it.

Adrian Monk: And there's no way he could have been nominated for a Pulitzer.
Sharona: Maybe he's a good writer.
Adrian Monk: It's not that. The Pulitzer is only for American journalism. He said that story was published in Australia.
Sharona: So what? Maybe he's trying to impress me. Maybe he likes me. Ugh. God. And you're scaring him away. Gail's trying to seduce him, and I'm stuck in the middle as usual.

Captain Stottlemeyer: You got a name?
Lieutenant Disher: Yep, David Bushner. Age 44. He was a gas company tech. Stabbed, one in the chest. He went missing late last night. Phone company crew just found him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Where is his truck?
Lieutenant Disher: It's, uh, parked up on Downey where he left it. We don't know if this is the murder scene or if he was dumped here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. He was killed somewhere else.
Lieutenant Disher: Are you sure?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. The body's on an incline, head down. Look at the blood stain on his chest. Blood doesn't flow uphill. At least not in my experience.

Sharona: He can tell what you're thinking just by how you're sitting in your chair.
Darryl Wright: Wow. I should write about him.
Sharona: You should. Nobody would believe it. You'd have to put it in the science fiction section.

Gail Fleming: Are you, um... Are you really a cop?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, I am. Look at the nice picture.
Gail Fleming: Why did you get rid of the mustache?
Lieutenant Disher: My captain has a mustache. I shaved mine off so that people could tell us apart. Sharona never told me she had a sister.
Gail Fleming: Younger. How long have you known her for?
Lieutenant Disher: Four years now.
Gail Fleming: Really? And she never mentioned me at all?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, she's obviously a little jealous.

Gail Fleming: You know, I dated a cop once. I still have his handcuffs on my bedpost.
Lieutenant Disher: Then I should inform you you are still in possession of stolen property. I might have to bring you down to the station.
Gail Fleming: Really? I might not mind that.

Lieutenant Disher: Uh, so, uh, what's it like having Adrian Monk as a houseguest?
Gail Fleming: Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. It took me two months to get rid of it. It drove me crazy.
Lieutenant Disher: And?
Gail Fleming: It's like that.

Adrian Monk: Do you have any Q-tips?
Gail Fleming: Well, Lieutenant Disher dropped by.
Adrian Monk: He did?
Gail Fleming: Yeah. You know, he's kinda cute. I've got this thing for cops.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know. That's why you and I get along so swimmingly. Do you have any white ones?
Gail Fleming: What's the difference?
Adrian Monk: These are blue. I'll wait for Sharona.

Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish on the phone with the captain]
Gail Fleming: Why don't you write it down?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a great idea. Write it down.
Gail Fleming: Well, he's writing it down. It says, uh... [reads gibberish]

Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]
Cab Driver: What the hell is that? Korean?
Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]
Cab Driver: Chinese?
Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]
Cab Driver: Turn here? You want me to turn here? Is that what you're saying? Do you want me to turn here? Is that what you're saying? They come over here and they take our welfare, and they take our food stamps, but they don't bother to learn our damn language.
Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]