Claire: [aside to camera] Walt, our elderly next door neighbor, died. He and Luke were pretty close, so we have to tell him. I'm a little nervous about it.
Phil: I think we should break it to him slowly.
Claire: Like how?
Phil: Well, first we'd say, "Luke, your friend Walt has a cold. You shouldn't go over there." Next day, "Bad news. Walt's in the hospital, but he's still cracking jokes with the nurses." Next day, "They're trying an experimental drug. Fingers crossed." Next day, "His body rebelled. He's in a coma." Next day, he rallies. Next day, coma. Next day, coma. Next day, coma. Next day, eye flutter.
Claire: Stop. Just stop. Stop.

Claire: Oh. Oh, Luke, we have some bad news for you. It's about Walt. I'm afraid he passed away.
Phil: Um, it happened yesterday. He finished writing an angry letter to the postmaster general, and he just fell asleep.
Luke: Okay.
Phil: It was very peaceful. Not the letter. That was full of threats, but...

Mitchell: Oh, I missed a call from my dad.
Cameron: Oh, let me guess. Is he calling to cancel? What's his excuse this time?
Mitchell: You know, that's a really mean thing to assume, Cam. I really wish you'd give my dad a break for once.
Cameron: Oh, please. You know Jay doesn't like my dad. He thinks he's some bumpkin from the sticks. Well, I will have you know that Merle Stonewall Tucker is one of the most respected farmers in all of Hell's Hollow, Missouri.
Mitchell: Okay, you're not hearing yourself.

Jay: Sometimes I think you treat my son like the woman in their relationship.
Merle Tucker: What?
Jay: Like those watches. Cam's was all big and manly. The other one looked like something Grace Kelly would wear.
Merle Tucker: Well, that's just because Mitch has a more slender wrist than Cam does. That's all.
Jay: It's skinny, not slender. And you're honestly telling me you don't cast Mitch in the more ladylike role?
Merle Tucker: Are you saying Cam is the wife in this deal?
Jay: I don't think about it that way. It's not like it was in our day. Husband went out to work. Wife stayed home with the kids.
Merle Tucker: That sounds like a clever way of saying yes.
Jay: Fine. They're both equal. Neither one is the wife.
Merle Tucker: Yeah. Yeah. I know that in my head. It's just that it makes me feel a tiny bit better to think that the person he's spending his life with is a tiny bit of a woman.
Jay: I get it. Every time I start to feel comfortable with this thing, some new part comes up I gotta wrap my head around.
Merle Tucker: Yeah, I guess we got no choice.
Jay: Yep. We got two sons, and they're gay for each other.

Claire: Hey. What do you got there? Walt's old TV?
Luke: He said I could take one thing after he died. I wish he would've said two things. I would've taken that phone with the big buttons.

Phil: I'll take it slow on the way home. Don't worry. Canceling course for adventure. Beep. Boop. Beep. Bop.
Alex: Mm. You know what I'll never forget? The time my dad spent the entire day trying to create a special memory for me. Or when a pregnant lady slipped in my vomit.

Haley: I'm just thinking out loud here. What if I get a chaperone that my parents approve of? Would it be okay then?
Gloria: Well, I guess so. You know, it would be good for Manny to have a little bit of fun. Do you mind if he stays here for the party?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: Mind? The plan depended on him.
[cut to:]
Claire: I don't suppose you've thought of a chaperone?
Haley: Of course not, Mom, because it's going to be a wild party and I'm trying to get away with something, as usual. Yes, I thought of a chaperone. My Uncle who already said he would do it. But if that's gonna be a problem, I think I should just call everybody-
Claire: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. It's fine.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: And thank you, Uncle Manny.

Mitchell: No, it's not helping. It's 'cause it's stuck.
Cameron: I can't believe I got 'em this stuck. I've built beds my whole life: bunk beds, dog beds, cow beds.
Mitchell: Okay, I'm calling you on cow beds.
Cameron: [doorbell] Oh, that's my dad! Okay. He can help. He's built a boat, a dock, a lake-
Mitchell: Uh, he did not build a lake. Okay, from now on, just stop after you say the second thing.

Mitchell: [on the phone] Knock it off, old man. You are not sick. Why do you always do this?
Jay: Okay, look, between you and me, Mervis kind of bugs me.
Mitchell: Okay, first of all, it's Merle. Mervis isn't a name. Mervis is a sound. And second of all, he's- He's my partner's father. Okay? You're coming.

Phil: Did you know Walt had a daughter he was completely estranged from? His lawyer said she wouldn't even honor his last request to toss his dog tags in the ocean. Can you imagine?
Claire: Phil, do we really have to go through this again? I told you, I would do everything possible to make sure that your skeleton ends up in a science class at a women's college.