Mitchell: Cam. Cam, I've asked you 10 times. Why haven't you sent me our itinerary for your trip to your parents' house?
Cameron: Been a little busy.
Mitchell: Okay, well, you spent three hours making a JibJab of you, me, and Lily dancing in Santa's Twerkshop.
Cameron: [chuckling] Look at our butts.

Haley: Hello. So, who's going to get me a drink? Mama's done breast-feeding. These babies are all mine again, and I'm ready to fill 'em up with wine.
Mitchell: Ooh. Well, not how the human body works, but I'm very happy for you. Ah! I've missed Old Haley!

Cameron: Okay, fine. Everybody just sit wherever they want, like a bunch of hobos around a barrel fire.

Phil: Luke, how could you do this? And to Manny, of all people?
Luke: I feel bad, but this thing with Sherry is... special. This isn't my usual hit it and quit it.
Phil: That's rough on the ears.
Claire: Charming.

Haley: So, what's up with you and Cam? I'm sensing tension.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I didn't sense any tension. I was just looking for some drama and figured it was a safe bet.
[back:]
Mitchell: There is tension.
Haley: Mm.

Mitchell: Okay, so, first of all, he's being extra crazy about this dinner.
Haley: Uh-huh.
Mitchell: But now get this... Every Christmas, I complain about having to go home with him to... to see his family, and this year, he said I don't have to go. And he was totally cool about it.
Haley: Oh, no. Super fishy. So, you didn't find any clues when you went through his luggage?
Mitchell: I... didn't go through his luggage.
Haley: It's like you want your marriage to fall apart.

Claire: Sorry, Dad! I gotta get into a whole thing with Gloria.
Cameron: Or nobody gets into anything with anybody and we have a storybook Christmas. How about a mini cheeseball?

Gloria: Is Luke going to break up with Sherry?
Claire: Gloria, I am sorry that Manny is so upset, but Luke's feelings are sincere. He's already beating himself up. Please, don't be mad at him.
Gloria: You're right. I shouldn't be mad at Luke. He didn't raise himself.
Claire: Uh... one more time?
Gloria: Based on the stories from your past, you've rarely denied yourself the pleasures of the flesh.
Cameron: Okay! Time...
Claire: Wow.
Cameron: Time out! Time out!

Claire: Hey, Dad? Are you just gonna stand there while your wife calls me a tramp?
Jay: I feel this is a risky time to weigh in.
Cameron: Agreed. No more fighting. Let's just all enjoy a cheeseball! It's my grandma's 100-year-old recipe, except I use cayenne pepper instead of cocaine.

Mitchell: Can we get back to the first-class ticket thing?
Haley: Yeah. Yeah. What are we hiding?
Cameron: Okay, I'm not sure what you have to do with this, but my parents bought me that ticket.
Mitchell: Your parents? The people whose idea of fancy is dropping a Certs into a jar of schnapps?
Cameron: I'll have you know that Grandma's Mint Rockets are the cocktail of choice at the governor's mansion.