[wedding video flashback:]
Dede: [mock accent] I'm Gloria. I'm Gloria. Kiss me. Oh, hey, kiss me.
[present, to camera:]
Luke: Nana is really strong.
[back:]
Dede: Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! Ooh! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!
[present, to camera:]
Gloria: During my vows to my first husband, drug dealers burst in and assassinated the judge. This was way worse.
Jay: What can I say? I drive women crazy. [laughs] It's too soon, I guess.

Haley: Everybody is going to be there, mom.
Claire: I don't care. Your father and I are not about to let you drive two hours to go to a concert and then spend the night with a bunch of boys, especially that 17-year-old hormone you're dating.

Manny: Mom, I'm home!
Gloria: Hi, baby! Did you have fun at the slumber party? You must be exhausted.
Manny: No, I'm not tired at all. I was the first one to fall asleep.
Gloria: What's on your face?
Manny: A smile from having such a good time with my friends.
Gloria: No. Come here. Look.
Manny: Oh. That's why they were laughing. I thought it was my funny take on current events.

Gloria: Why would they do something like that?
Jay: Don't worry about it. Guys pull pranks like that all the time. You just got to prank 'em back. Just got to show 'em you're willing to give as good as you get.
Gloria: What do you think?
Manny: Hmm, revenge I like it. [stroking the drawn-on facial hair on his chin]

Dede: It just that when I think of all the awful things that I said to Gloria and Jay, and you and Claire, I feel such guilt.
Cameron: Give it time... and see Banff.

Claire: [aside to camera] You know how growing up, we all have that voice inside our head that tells us we're not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head, driving me to school.

Jay: Mitchell, what are you doing here?
Mitchell: Uh, I'm sorry to bother you. Uh, could I talk to you and Gloria for a second?
Jay: Oh, she's out dealing with a Manny situation. He set a kid's bike on fire.
Mitchell: Why?
Jay: Oh, I might have told him to get even with some kids, and he went all Rambo with it. Not my best parenting moment.
Mitchell: Not your worst.

Jay: What's up?
Mitchell: Uh, well, you know, mom's in town.
Jay: Your mom?
Mitchell: No. No, your mom. She's back from the grave. Yes. Yes, my mom, Dad.
Jay: My mom would be less scary.

Mitchell: So you'll talk to Gloria about mom coming to dinner?
Jay: Oh, Gloria would never go for that in a million years. She's still furious with your mother, which is why I'm not talking to you.
Mitchell: What did I do?
Jay: This conversation never took place.
Mitchell: Well, that's not very nice. I drove all the way here.
Jay: No, you didn't. You were never here. In fact, you never even called.
Mitchell: I would have called, but I thought it would be better to talk about th- What? What's happening here?
Jay: Listen I would love to get this thing behind us, but Gloria would never forgive me If I pulled a fast one on her. That's why you're going to pull a fast one on her, and I'm not going to like it one bit.
Mitchell: Okay, that's just great. No, that's great. So it's all up to me.
Jay: I can't hear you because you're back home and I'm taking a nap.

Phil: So, Dylan, I see you brought the ax.
Dylan: Yeah, yeah, I just came from practice.
Phil: Sweet. Miss those days.
Dylan: Oh, you were in a band?
Phil: Could have been, but in high school, I was really all about my magic, so...