Earl: All right, here's something. What if we do the show together?
Jay: What? No! I'm not gonna let you glom onto my new hit show!
Manny: 43 views.
Earl: We could do like a like a point/counterpoint kind of thing. Like I would say something like, uh "Let's get rid of pennies," and you would say...
Jay: Of course we should get rid of pennies! They're annoying to own and make you feel bad when you throw them out.

Earl: All right, what what if I said, "I miss milkmen"?
Jay: Who doesn't miss milkmen? The glass bottle, little bow tie. What am I, an idiot? I don't miss milkmen?
Earl: Okay, well, then you think of something!
Jay: I'm not the one auditioning.
Earl: Okay. Here's something that represents my unique brand of thinking. When I fly, I like luggage fees.
Jay: Me too. Why should us carry-on folk have to foot the bill for those morons who don't know how to pack?!
Earl: Three weeks, I went from Edinburgh to Warsaw on two pairs of pants and a tam-o'-shanter.
Jay: I'm falling asleep.
Earl: I love naps!
Jay: Who doesn't? This is ridiculous!

Manny: The irony that, despite you two being mortal enemies, it appears you agree on everything?
Jay: No! It's that this jackass thinks he can actually bring something new to "Jay Talking."
Earl: Come on! We would be magic!
Jay: You already stole one company from me. You're not getting this.
Earl: Okay, fine! I will start my own show. I'll call it "Earls of Wisdom."
Jay: Can't wait. I'll see you in the comments section.
Earl: I'll just turn the comments off.
Jay: You can do that?
Manny: Yeah.
Jay: Then why am I here?!

Angie: Phil, why didn't you show me this house? It has everything I want.
Phil: I forgot it was for sale.
Angie: You're the agent.
Phil: Oh. I remember, it's built cheap.
Angie: It looks pretty solid to me.
Phil: Well, it's mostly held up by beehives. Let's go.
Angie: Phil, what is going on?
Phil: Nothing. Just trying to keep you away from all that asbestos.

Phil: I'm Mr. Real Estate, Phil Dunphy.
Angie: Oh, right. I am actually looking for a house right now.
Phil: Wow. Well, if I could be of any service- I don't- I don't have any cards. I'm in my gym clothes.
Angie: Oh, I see you earned that hot chocolate.
Phil: Yeah, I rocked a pretty intense Shake Weights/power walk combo.

Phil: Weird thing I was with her for two hours, I couldn't pick her out of a crowd.
Claire: Really? That is weird.
Phil: Nothing weird about it.
Claire: You just said it was weird.
Phil: That's weird. Give me a kiss! [chuckles]

Cameron: Ta-da! Check out what I got!
Lily: No, thanks.
Cameron: Thought we could go to the park tomorrow and you could finally learn.
Lily: What pavement tastes like? I don't think so.
Mitchell: Well, Lily, when you're ready, it's here for you.
Cameron: Mitchell, can I, um, speak to you in the bedroom about the, uh, dust ruffle?
Lily: Don't worry the dust ruffle's leaving.

Jay: Another one? I've had it with this LadyKiller son of a bitch. He's been lobbing insults all night.
Manny: "Hey, dumbbell, I can smell your breath through the Internet."
Jay: They can't do that, right?

Manny: Jay, take it from a fellow performer If you're going to put yourself out there, you need to let the criticism roll off your back.
Jay: I must say, I was impressed you didn't mope for a month after that brutal review of you in "Sound of Music." [Gloria manically signals to Jay]
Manny: What are you talking about? There was no review. There was no school paper that week.
Gloria: Eeeeeexactly. There was no paper that week.
Jay: Oh, yeah.
Manny: What did you do?
Gloria: I- I am not going to stand here and let you accuse me of stealing all of those papers! [walks off]
Jay: He didn't say that.

Alex: [answering phone] Hey, Grandpa.
Jay: Hi, honey!
Alex: Oh, I'm so glad you called. I've just been having the worst week. It's been so overwhelming and so much-
Jay: You know what helps? A cocktail. Listen, I've got a situation. Do you know any computer nerds that can track someone down on the Internet?
Alex: Yeah, I think I can find a few.