‘The Cover-Up’
Season 7, Episode 16 - Aired March 16, 2016
Phil gets caught in a web of lies after he tries to keep Claire from finding out he has a new client who is very much "his type". Now that he's retired, Jay launches a webcast to give his opinions on the world today, but he's besieged by negative comments from a troll. Meanwhile, Gloria regrets asking Claire to come with her to yoga to see whether the instructor is being inappropriate, and Mitchell and Cameron try to teach a nervous Lily how to ride a bike.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [o.s.] Hey, remind her!
Gloria: [on the phone] Oh! And don't forget today, all-new episode of "Jay Talking." He takes on restaurants that write their menus on blackboards.
Jay: I want to feel a menu in my hands!
Quote from Luke
Luke: [starting video chat]Hey, girl.
Alex: What are you doing?
Luke: Nothing. Just wanted to say hi, talk about stuff.
Alex: What stuff?
Luke: I don't know. I just miss you. We could talk about anything. How about Watergate? Like, what would you say were the three most significant ways it changed American politics? Cite your sources.
Alex: I'm not writing your essay.
Luke: Okay. See you at Easter. [ends call]
Quote from Phil
Phil: What are you up to, buddy?
Luke: Writing a paper on President Nixon. [scoffs] What an idiot. He had it all and just threw it away because of some stupid lie.
Phil: Well, maybe it came out of his mouth before he knew what he was saying.
Luke: Okay, but then he just kept lying over and over and making it worse and worse.
Claire: Phil, how old is Angie?
Phil: Oh, uh, gosh 70. Why?
Claire: I was thinking about that house on Forsyth. It's nice but has a lot of stairs.
Phil: No. She's too fat for that.
Richard Nixon: [recording] Therefore, I shall resign the presidency effective at noon tomorrow.
Luke: If only he had told the truth.
Phil: He was in too deep!
Quote from Claire
Claire: So, where's Mahatma Handsy?
Gloria: I noticed that you have a lot of these yoga puns. I don't think we need any more.
Quote from Phil
Phil: What are you guys up to?
Gloria: I have a yoga class. And, apparently, Claire does, too. What are you doing here?
Phil: Oh, just on my way to show more houses to my fat, Irish client, Angie O'Plasty.
Quote from Phil
Claire: I got to go.
Phil: See you black home.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Pretty sure I know why I said that.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: Well, C-Cam, yeah, you broke your arm. You got to go to the hospital.
Cameron: No. Not yet. I'll go in, draw myself a bath, pretend to fall and break my arm. In the meantime, go get those painkillers that they gave you when you twisted your ankle.
Mitchell: Oh, I think I threw those away.
Cameron: Did you? Or are they in the nightstand next to your bed because they go good with a glass of wine?
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Oh, no! Looks like you fell and broke your, uh, left arm.
Cameron: No, Mitchell, I fell. I really fell.
Mitchell: Oh, really?
Cameron: Really.
Mitchell: Are you okay?
Cameron: My head hurts. And my arm.
Lily: I'm never taking a bath again!
Mitchell: Oh, great. Too bad you didn't fall off a stripper pole.
Quote from Manny
Manny: "After his performance in 'The Sound of Music, ' Christopher Plummer went on to a distinguished acting career. After Delgado's performance, I expect he'll go on to a distinguished plumbing career."
Quote from Jay
Jay: You're pathetic. I crushed you in the closet game, and I'm crushing it on the Internet. Put that rat down, and I'll crush you on your porch.
Earl: Like that is gonna be any more painful than your stupid rant, "When did restaurants get so loud?"
Jay: I should have known it was you all those typos from your stubby fingers.
Earl: Watch it. I got my mother's hands.
Jay: You also have your mother's mustache.