Cameron: How exciting is this, Lily? In no time at all, you're gonna be a bike rider.
Lily: Or a corpse.
Cameron: Okay. [sighs] I know you're afraid, and sometimes it's helpful if you say exactly what you're afraid of out loud. So?
Lily: I'm afraid I'll fall because I'm not ready and you forced me, so for the rest of my life, I'll hold it against you.
Cameron: And then other times, it's just best to tamp it down and soldier on.

Mitchell: All right. I'm gonna talk to Daddy. But just promise me you'll learn someday, okay? And that you'll get on a plane.
Lily: Why wouldn't I get on a plane? What's wrong with them?
Mitchell: Nothing. They're safer than cars.
Lily: Cars aren't safe?!
Mitchell: Oh, my God.

Gloria: What are you doing here?
Claire: I got to say, I thought I was over yoga, but yesterday was a real eye-opener.
Gloria: "Eye" or "thigh"? [chuckles]
Claire: Wow. I thought it was a very challenging class, and I don't really appreciate anything else you're implying, 'cause you're a little...
Gloria: I'm what?
Claire: Jealous.
Gloria: Of what of him rubbing you like he was expecting a genie to come out?
Claire: Look, you are so used to being the center of men's attention that yesterday, it probably bothered you that I got some. Attention. That's all. Just attention.
Gloria: That's insane. I am a married woman. I am used to getting no attention.

Gloria: I'm going in. I will tell Ra that you're here.
Claire: Ra is our yoga instructor.
Phil: Oh, she must be great. You're here two days in a row.
Claire: She is great. She's a little old.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Don't know why I said that.

Cameron: This is the most pain I've ever been in in my life. And a horse once kicked me into an electric fence.

Jay: Focus! I need you to film this for my show tomorrow. By the way, if the punk's under 18, you have to hit him.

Earl: Pritchett?
Jay: Earl? You've got to be kidding me.
Earl: What the hell are you doing here?
Jay: I'm here to punch LadyKiller in his fat face.
Manny: I'm sorry. Can we start over? I was on "Photo." Go ahead. Any time.

Angie: Wow. I did not peg you for a racist.
Phil: Wait. No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait. Angie.
Angie: It's always the last people you think. We're done. Goodbye, Phil.
Phil: No, Angie! That's not it! I lied to my wife because she knows I have a thing for black women!
Claire: Oh, really?
Phil: Hey, there!
Claire: So, that was Angie O'Hara?
Phil: Okay. Full disclosure, I did lie. But only because she's beautiful and you get a little crazy.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Why the hell did I say that?!

Cameron: Okay, Lily. Let's do this.
Mitchell: Can we just please give this a rest until you're fully recovered?
Cameron: No. Mitchell, we're in too deep. I have a broken arm, and I can't remember any of my grade-school teachers' names.
Mitchell: Yeah, you've mentioned that four times now.
Cameron: Have I really?
Mitchell: Yeah.

Cameron: Okay, I'm dragging my feet because I have a brain injury. Why are you dragging yours, again?
Mitchell: Because I don't want her to get hurt! No, see, it's not the worst thing in the world that she's actually starting to be cautious. She used to fly off of bookcases and jump off of swing sets, and now she's trying to protect herself.
Cameron: And what kind of life is she gonna have if she's scared of everything?
Mitchell: A life where I don't have to worry about her.
Cameron: Ohh. I get it. So you're the one that's afraid.
Mitchell: It's dangerous out there. T-There's so much weird stuff going on in the world, and I just I want her to be safe.