Luke: Whoa. Watch the new kicks.
Claire: What? You have another pair of new sneakers? What is that job at the club paying you?
Luke: It's the tips, Mom. There's this one lady, hold the door for her 10 bucks. Bring her an ice tea with lemon, another 10 bucks.
Phil: Best tips I ever made was when we passed the hat after a performance of my improv group, "Rule of Three." We were known for our sketches, song parodies, and full-frontal nudity.

Gloria: Zdravstvuyte. [Hello]
Russian man #1: Chego ty khochesh'? [What do you want?]
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Every day, I take Joe to a park in a Russian neighborhood. We like it there. I have picked up a few phrases that the Russian nannies tell to the Russian kids.
[back:]
Gloria: Igrovoye vremya okoncheno. [Playtime is over.]
Russian man #2: Kto ty? [Who are you?]
Gloria: Vy plokhiye parni. Vremya idti. [You are bad boys. It's time to go.]
Russian man #1: Ty dumayesh' ona na samom dele? [You think she's for real?]
Russian man #2: Yubaya zhenshchina, kotoraya vyglyadit tak i govorit po-russki, dolzhna byt' na svyazi. [Any woman that looks like that and speaks Russian must be connected.]
Gloria: Poproshchaysya so svoim drugom. Eto pereryv. [Say goodbye to your friend. It's naptime.]
Russian man #1: [gasps] Ona dolzhna znat' myasnika. [She must know the butcher.]
Russian man #2: YA uveren, chto my mozhem chto-to reshit'. [I'm sure we can work something out.]
Gloria: [aggressively] Vy khotite kurinyye pal'chiki? [You want chicken fingers?]
Russian man #2: Pozhaluysta, ne moi ruki. [Please, not my hands.]

Jay: Where is she, anyway? Haven't seen her since the morning.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I don't know where Stella is. I think it has something to do with the shock collar that I had to put on her because she kept running away. Maybe I tell Jay that I thought it was a necklace. He was the one who wanted to pierce her ears.

Cameron: Thank you for coming. I have a problem with Russians.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Being married to a Pritchett is great.
Cameron: So great!
Gloria: The best!
Phil: But they can be a a tad judgmental.
Cameron: Almost punitive.
Gloria: They are monsters.
Cameron: That's why the three of us formed a a secret alliance to help each other cover up our our little mistakes.

Cameron: All right, shall we?
Gloria: No. I work alone. If you hear two bodies hit the floor, it's done. If you hear three, one tried to get back up.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] El Conquistador Especial. My dad's brand. That doesn't explain the lipstick, though. No, my dad won't even wear Chapstick. He says it's a gateway balm.

Jay: Damn Colonel screwed me and took his name off my petition. I'm trying to overturn this dumb rule the club passed banning cigars within 40 feet of the main lodge.
Gloria: When my country passed a law that allowed them to drown 14 year olds, you said, "These things happen."
Jay: I just bought a box of El Conquistador Especiales. And they deserve to be smoked in a fine leather chair, not out by the fountain in some heavily-spidered area.
Gloria: I don't want this in my house.
Jay: Can't smoke at home, can't smoke at the club. Maybe Stella has room in her doghouse.

Joe: Mommy, could Ivan come for dinner?
Gloria: No, senor, 'cause tonight the whole family is coming over for dinner, 'cause we're gonna vote on where we're going on vacation this year.
Manny: A vote with a moral stain on it, since ballots are reserved for land-owning adults.
Gloria: Because nobody wants to go to the birthplace of Edgar Allan Poe.

Cameron: I know all about squatter's rights, Mitchell. Why do you always have to treat me like I'm some irresponsible...
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Idiot! The Russian brothers wanted one more night. So I took cash, and I didn't tell Mitchell, and now they won't leave. We have squatters. First termites, now squatters. At least the termites weren't my fault.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Look at this beautiful side table somebody just left on the street.
Mitchell: Oh, do you need a hand?
Cameron: No, it's like ridiculously light.

Phil: [answering phone] Hello?
Cameron: You are all out of orange juice.
Phil: I understand. [hangs up, to family:] I have to go out for orange juice.
[meanwhile:]
Gloria: [on the phone] Yes, I understand. [hangs up, to family:] I have to go out for orange juice.
[back:]
Cameron: Mitchell? I have to go out for orange juice.