‘The Alliance’
Season 8, Episode 8 - Aired November 30, 2016
Phil, Gloria and Cameron have formed a secret alliance to deal with their problems without the Pritchett side of the family finding out. The trio help cover up Gloria's purchase of a shock collar for Stella and Cameron's negligence dealing with a pair of Russian squatters. In need of signatures for a petition, Jay considers looking the other way when a widow at the country club takes a shine to Luke. Meanwhile, Haley is on the other side of dealing with an unbearable teenager when she spends the day with Rainer Shine's daughter.
Quote from Phil
Cameron: So now, I have scary Russian squatters who won't leave. We'll have a small window when Mitchell goes to the gym. He usually stretches, takes a lap around the locker room, and then gets a smoothie.
Phil: You two deal with the Russians, and I'll keep Mitch distracted. Anything else?
Gloria: Yes. Our gate is broken, and Stella keeps getting out in the street. I bought her a shock collar.
Phil: I thought about getting one when Luke was younger. Claire ended up just shaking a can of pennies at him.
Quote from Jay
Jay: Gary won't sign my petition unless I sign his. It'll be a cold day in hell before that hippie tees off in flip-flops.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Oh, thank God you're here. I can hear the Russians upstairs laughing at democracy.
Quote from Mitchell
Phil: Ugh, sorry that took so long. [laughing] I can't pass up a library book sale. I mean, a dollar for as many magazines as you can fit in the car.
Mitchell: Yeah, National Geo... "Ireland: Land of Savages"? How old are these?
Quote from Phil
Phil: Well, it's pretty simple, Mitch. You just touch everything, and then when the tow truck guy shows up and sees your dirty paws, he knows you're a pro. Also, say "fan belt" as often as you- Mitchell? Mitchell?
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: [Southern accent] Hi, sweetheart!
Mitchell: Save the Southern charm, Scarlett. Phil was clearly just trying to keep me from here.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: Yeah, I-I lost my keys, and sudden suddenly he shows up and Does this have something to do with the thud we heard upstairs?
Cameron: Mitchell, I- I say this with love, but you're coming unhinged. The suspicions, the accusations, the mechanical sexual performance. [Gloria walks out with the Russians] Where has Mitchell gone? Yeah, I'm but I'm not a doctor, so if you think something's going on upstairs, by all means, let's go take a look. You know, on the other hand, if I were a doctor, I would say, "What's up with all the conspiracy theories?" It's textbook paranoia. Everyone's talking about it. But again, not a doctor, so shall we?
Quote from Phil
Cameron: Okay, we've searched everywhere for Stella. No sign.
Phil: Yet. Don't worry, we'll find her before the gray goat does.
Gloria: Who?
Phil: Jay. Come on, guys, I spend a lot of time on those code names.
Quote from Haley
Haley: What is this?
April: Clothes that don't come from a mall.
Haley: Hold on, hold on. I'm supposed to be watching you.
April: I'm going to Betsy's. My Uber's out front.
Haley: Who is this Betsy? Are her parents even home? And you're 14. You're not Ubering anywhere. Also, you you can lose the makeup because you look like a prostitute at an electronics convention. Now, go wipe it off and help set the table.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: Huh.
Cameron: Well, you know, there are 30 different ways to say "I'm sorry" in Russian.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. Maybe I was being paranoid.
Cameron: Apology accepted, and I'm sorry for calling your lovemaking mechanical. I actually really like your shy, school teacher character.
Quote from Jay
Jay: Ahh, breakfast lasagna! Great call, honey.
Gloria: Stay away from it. It's for everybody tonight.
Jay: That's two meals away.