Phil: Claire, meet the legendary Mister Ekshun.
Claire: Hello.
Mister Ekshun: And what's this behind your ear? Oh, just some sweater fluff.
Phil: [chuckles] Well, the place looks great. Can you imagine coming here every day?
Mister Ekshun: I wish it was every day. I have less and less time for the old Illusionatorium, with all the road jobs I still book.
Phil: Would you mind quickly walking me through the Quantum Flux Illusion?
Mister Ekshun: Uh-huh. Well, according to magic bylaws, I can't disclose the secret in the presence of a non-licensed magician.
Claire: Not a problem. I can just step outside.
Mister Ekshun: Nonsense! We prepare for such things.
Phil: Ah! The old sensory-deprivation helmet.
Mister Ekshun: I put that baby on, it's almost like I don't have roommates.

Mister Ekshun: Yeah, they said they called you and never heard back, so they moved on to me.
Phil: I never got that call!
Claire: Oh! [gasping] I couldn't breathe! I couldn't breathe!
Mister Ekshun: Well, you forgot to turn on the ventilator.
Claire: That was supposed to be my job?
Phil: No. This was supposed to be my job.

Gloria: It's terrible, Jay. And sending Joe in here with scones made it worse!
Joe: [plays pan flute]
Gloria: Silencio, Fulgencio!

Woman: [o.s.] Where'd you go, baby bear? -
Manny: [deep voice] Coming, baby bear.
Jay: You're welcome. But two baby bears?
Manny: [normal voice] I'm new at this.

Cameron: Hey, Claire. Quick question. I see that you only have Mitch and I down for one song. Which isn't enough time to tell a story. So we would be willing to cut our set list to six songs.
Claire: Cool. So we'll keep it at one?
Cameron: Okay, so five quick songs, then?
Claire: One song.
Cameron: Okay, I would be willing to close this right now at three songs.
Claire: One quick song, and if you so much as begin to introduce the band, I'll cut the power off.
Cameron: Okay, that is not the way you talk to talent.

Phil: Gloria?
Gloria: [o.s.] I'm in the bathroom! Come in!
Phil: Oh, uh... It's... It's Phil.
Gloria: Come in!
Phil: Phil Dunphy.
Gloria: Phil!

Phil: Okay, I'll spin the box two times, you'll have 30 seconds to change into your wedding dress.
Gloria: Or I change into an old pair of pajamas to show the people how comfortable I have always been with Jay.
Phil: Oh, yeah. Sure, Gloria. Why don't we just throw the script out and you can say whatever you want, 'cause the audience already thinks the actors make it all up anyway?! I'm sorry!

Gloria: He's very upset because 15 years ago, he missed a phone call for a job to do boat magic.
Jay: That's why you've been sulking all afternoon?
Phil: My life would be completely different if not for stupid fate!
Jay: Fate? Let me ask you something. And there's a real lesson here. Do you like how your life turned out?
Phil: Yeah, sure.
Jay: Great family, steady work, bus benches? I got that call when you weren't home and never gave you the message.
Phil: What question mark, exclamation point?!

Phil: Ladies and gentlemen, the scientists would have you believe that time travel is poppycock. But today, on the anniversary of the wonderful Gloria and Jay, I shall confound the skeptics and transport this beautiful woman back in time to the day of her wedding. Gloria, get in the box! Drumroll, please.

Phil: Anyway, watch as she disappears into the wormhole. That's my trick. I'm done.
Jay: What do you mean, you're done? Bring her back.
Gloria: [thumping] Okay, I'm ready!
Phil: You made my dream disappear. Now yours is gone.
Gloria: Hola! I want to come out!