Phil: But all the girls at work love it when I bring Luke by. Especially that receptionist Heather. Right, buddy?
Luke: She smells amazing.
Claire: Well, honey, you're gonna have to smell Daddy's receptionist some other time.
Luke: Like peaches.
Alex: If you're both going out, who's taking me to cello?
Luke: One time, she gave me a Woody.
Claire: Sweet Je-
Luke: She remembered he's my favorite character from Toy Story.
Claire: She did.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So Cam and I have been revising our will to specify who should take care of Lily if, God forbid, something happened to us.
Cameron: God forbid.
Mitchell: I said God for- So we've been dropping by unannounced to, you know, casually assess our candidates.
Cameron: Not all of our candidates.
Mitchell: No, that's true. We did not drop by Missourah.
Cameron: It's Missouri. No one from Missouri would say "Missourah."
Mitchell: I'm so sorrah.

Dr. Klausner: Luke, I'm gonna talk to your mom and dad for a minute, okay?
Luke: Okay. She's, like, the best doctor ever. A couple of puzzles, no shots. I didn't even have to take my pants off. Found that one out a little late.
Phil: I've been there, buddy.

Alex: That's weird. My cello teacher's car isn't here. I wonder if she's not home.
Haley: So go knock on the door, Alan Einstein.
Alex: Don't leave. And it's "Albert."
Haley: I know. Alan's his dorky brother who played the cello.

Haley: You win the award for worst mother ever!
Claire: I will be sure to thank you in my speech. Phil! The frying pan's on fire!
Phil: Son of Jor-EI! Everybody stay calm!

Gloria: If you want, I can stay with the little princess.
Cameron: Oh, that's a great idea. Oh, yeah, I'll just go out and get her bag.
Gloria: Maybe I take her to the mall buy her a new outfit, get her some hair rings. Is that okay?
Mitchell: Yes, yes. Of course. You know, Gloria, Cam and I were talking about what would happen to Lily if anything were ever to happen to us. And we were thinking-
Gloria: Oh, my God! Si, si, si! I take her!
Mitchell: Okay, that's sweet, but you realize it would only happen-
Gloria: I can't wait!
Mitchell: Hopefully, it's a long shot.
Gloria: Ay! A little girl!
Mitchell: There would have to be a very tragic accident.
Gloria: I know, I know. Nothing is going to happen.
Mitchell: No.
Gloria: But if it did, we would be so happy! Ay!

Jay: Want some coffee?
Manny: Say yes. It's French press. I was doubtful too but I honestly can't see myself going back to drip.
Jay: I'm so happy you don't live in a tough neighborhood anymore.

Mitchell: We're so sorry for just dropping by like this.
Gloria: Are you kidding me? I'll take any chance to spend time with this little princess. I love her little hair, her little toes.
Cameron: And she loves her grandmother.
Gloria: I don't love "grandmother."

Alex: She's not there. You're just gonna have to take me home.
Haley: We don't have time. We have stuff to do.
Alex: Then I'm just gonna have to come with you.
Gabby: Can't we drop her off at a coffee shop or something?
Haley: What, so she gets kidnapped and I get in trouble? No, thank you.

Jay: Let's see if we can get you some snow pants.
Manny: I just wish I felt better. I think I'm coming down with flu-like symptoms.
Jay: A couple of hours before your camping trip, huh?
Manny: I want to go. It's just, if I'm sick, I might get the chaperones sick. And without chaperones, it's anarchy.
Jay: Manny, listen to me.
Manny: The buddy system falls apart. The principle of "last in, first out" is ignored.