Mitchell: Okay, wait, wait. The pool popped.
Gloria: Ay, poor thing.
Claire: There's nothing worse than a tailbone injury.
Mitchell: Seriously? No, no, no. You're so full of it. You know this is funny. Picture this, falling into a tiny pool.
Cameron: He'll be here all week, folks. Literally, because you're not coming home with me.

Claire: There she is. There's my little Stella. That's my girl. Hi, sweetie. You're so cute I just want to eat your face!
Phil: Aww. You remember when you used to hold Alex like that and you wanted to eat her face?
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: Now she's off to high school.
Claire: Mmm.
Phil: Time marches on, huh?
Claire: Yep.
Phil: You know what's really sad?
Claire: What?
Phil: The end of Titanic.

Cameron: Wow. Now it makes sense. It's a Pritchett thing. Cruelty's genetic.

Jay: The reason my face looks like this is because I had Botox.
Gloria: Like the ladies use for their wrinkles?
Jay: Well, actually, nearly 10% of their sales are men, but that's not important. I had a bad reaction. Hit a nerve or something. It's gonna go away soon.

Gloria: He's fine. It was a false alarm.
Claire: What do you mean, a false alarm? His face looks like a candle.
Jay: You heard her. I'm okay.
Manny: She's not a doctor.
Jay: Neither are you.
Manny: Technically.

Mitchell: Okay, look. I don't know what's going on here, but there is no way that this is normal. You look like a Botox job gone horribly wrong. No, my God! You didn't.
Claire: Of course he didn't. Did you?
Jay: No.
Claire: You did!
Cameron: What were you thinking? You're a veteran.
Jay: Enough! This conversation is ended. Let's go.
Phil: Do you think he got his butt done too? It looks fantastic.

Claire: Dad, open the gate.
Jay: Aw, geez. Not now!
Claire: What? What's happening?
Jay: It's stuck again.
Claire: What do you mean it's stuck? Can't you get it open?
Jay: What do you think "stuck" means, Claire?

Claire: So Phil and I will go over first and then you guys will throw over the bike.
Phil: Step up. I'll boost you.
Claire: Couldn't we get a ladder?
Phil: Please. On cheer squad I boosted girls bigger than you to the top of a human pyramid. Now, arms at your side. Straight like a pencil. One, two, we are Bulldogs.

Haley: Do you hate me?
Alex: What?
Haley: You talk about how all the popular kids are shallow and lame.
Alex: I didn't mean you.
Haley: You think you have everyone figured out but everybody has their stuff.
Alex: What stuff do you have? Too many boys chasing after you? Too many parties?
Haley: You really wanna know what stuff I have?
Alex: Yeah.
Haley: I'm flunking out of Biology, and now I have to go to summer school. My friends, all they can ever talk about nowadays is going off to college and I don't even know if I can get into college. Is that enough stuff for you?

Haley: You know what? Fine. Give your stupid speech. Be an outcast. But you're only doing it to yourself, because you're smart and pretty and sort of funny in a way that I don't really get but other people seem to enjoy. So you can either start fresh next year or be the freak who flipped off her class.
Alex: You really think I'm pretty?
Haley: Shut up!