Mitchell: Cam, please be careful.
Cameron: Why? If I get electrocuted my hat might blow off and that would be funny as hell, right?
Mitchell: [stifling laughter] No. No.

Manny: Hey, Jay! I know you're feeling self-conscious so I dug up something I thought might help.
Jay: Put that thing away.
Manny: I knew you'd say that, but hear me out. This was designed to make a hideously disfigured man look super cool. It's perfect for you. Ooh, yikes. Okay, I'll go upstairs and see if I have a lefty.

Jay: Don't look at me like that.
Gloria: I have to say that I am a little disappointed in you doing this thing.
Jay: Not me. I feel real good about it.
Gloria: How many times do I have to tell you that you don't have to look young for me?
Jay: I didn't do it for you.
Gloria: What is her name?
Jay: Stop. Most of the time I walk around, in my head, I'm 40. And I look in the mirror I say, "Who's that old man? And what's he doing in my bathroom?"
Gloria: Well, it's my bathroom too, and I like when the old guy is there. This is the face that I fell in love with. Not this face, this one.

Cameron: The gate's opening. The gate's opening!
Mitchell: How did you do that?
Cameron: I didn't do anything.
Luke: I did it. I opened it with my mind.

Mitchell: I'm sorry I laughed.
Cameron: I don't need an apology but I will say your behavior today has been very eye-opening. No offense, Jay.
Jay: None taken. You look like an iceberg.

Mitchell: Cam, you have lost all credibility.
Cameron: It's completely different.
Mitchell: How?
Cameron: It's the juxtaposition of absurdist comedy against the backdrop of a formal setting. Not a big-boned man falling into a pool.

Mitchell: [to Alex] We are so proud of you. Come here.
Luke: Hello! I opened the gate with my mind.

Phil: [aside to camera] Chu-chunk. Hysterical wife, hysterical wife, hysterical wife. Jackpot.