Cameron: Hold on. I think I can fix this. - I just need a paper clip, some olive oil and a ribbon.
Jay: What's the plan, "MacGayver"?
Cameron: Actually, the paper clip is to connect these two circuits and the olive oil is to lubricate the mechanism. And the hair ribbon is for Lily. Her hair's been driving me crazy all day.

Gloria: Wait, wait, wait! I save the day. Let's take this crazy bicycle. We throw it over the gate then we take Phil and we take Claire and then we throw them over the gate too.
Mitchell: What the hell is that?
Gloria: Jay bought it. He thought we were gonna use it all the time but I keep hitting my boobs with my knees.
Jay: Champagne problems, right? Honey, they're not gonna ride the bike.
Gloria: Yeah, but I still think that we should throw it over the gate.

Claire: It's not okay, Phil. It's not okay. We're losing her.
Phil: Alex?
Claire: Yes.
Phil: You're not losing her.
Claire: Oh, we are. She's going to high school. This is just when I lost Haley. This is when Haley went from being my sweet little angel to being a moody, texting, snotty little princess who hates me.
Phil: Haley doesn't hate you. And we're not losing her.
Claire: Do you remember when you used to come home from work and Haley would meet you at the door in her little Aladdin pajamas? You know, and she'd stick her arms up in the air and say "Daddy, Daddy, take me on a magic carpet ride." Remember that? When was the last time Haley was that excited to see you?
Phil: I don't remember. It's been so long.
Claire: We're losing another one. That's what kids do. They leave. They leave and they and they don't come back.
Phil: Oh, well, ours will come back. Right?
Claire: What if they don't and pretty soon it's just the two of us?
Phil: [sobbing] I don't wanna go to Vegas anymore.
Claire: I know.
Phil: I just wanna hug 'em and embarrass 'em in front of their friends.

Claire: And Alex, my God. If we miss this speech Honey, she's a middle child. She will never forgive us.
Phil: I'm not missing that speech! [flagging down a pick-up truck] Hello! Hello!
Claire: What's the plan, Phil?
Phil: Mi nombre es Felipe. Yo voy a la escuela.
Guy: You need a ride to the school?
Phil: Yes, please.
Claire: "Felipe"!

Haley: I thought Sanjay Patel was first in the class.
Alex: He was until he missed a few weeks and the robot he was building attacked him.
Phil: It's happening, people. Our hubris will be our undoing.

Claire: Sweetie, what do you say you and I go and get our nails done, huh?
Alex: It's okay. I wanna work on my speech.
Phil: Been there. I remember the speech that won me treasurer of my high school Spanish club. Mi nombre es Felipe. Yo voy a la escuela-
Claire: Felipe?
Phil: It was kind of a grande deal. I was up against an actual Puerto Rican.

Jay: [on the phone] My heart is fine. Would somebody please press nine and let me in?
Gloria: Okay.
Manny: Got it. [two button tones]
Jay: It won't work if you're both on the line.
Manny: Okay.
Gloria: Okay. [two disconnect tones]
Jay: Every damn time!

Mitchell: Okay, Lily, time to get dressed.
Cameron: I can't believe Alex is gonna be in high school. I feel so old.
Mitchell: Well, you feel old? I was there when she was born in the delivery room. If I wasn't gay before...
Cameron: Oh, please. You wouldn't have lasted two minutes on a farm. I've witnessed all kinds of birthing. Never batted an eye. I've seen cattle. I've seen hogs. I've seen goats. I've even seen the three-legged... [falls in the pool] Oh! Whoa!
Mitchell: [laughing hysterically] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
Cameron: Really, Mitchell? I could have just died.

Phil: Hey, Mama Bear. You okay?
Claire: Not with "Mama Bear" I'm not.
Phil: Don't cry.
Claire: I'm not crying.
Phil: Shh! Don't be brave. I'm here for you... [aside to camera] until 2:00 p.m. tomorrow, when my flight leaves for Vegas.

Claire: Luke, stop pushing that ball around. You're gonna fall in.
Cameron: Oh, yes, and then your Uncle Mitchell will laugh at your expense. I'm just saying. It's a character flaw.
Mitchell: Okay, quick poll here. This morning, Cam fully dressed-
Jay: Thank God it's one of those stories.
Mitchell: While in the middle of a very serious thought fell into a ducky pool.
Phil: Oh, my goodness. Are you all right?
Cameron: Yes, I am. Thank you. That is a normal reaction, love and concern.