Haley: Sorry, Alex, but you will thank me one day.
Alex: Please. You really think I don't have duplicates?
Haley: If you do this you'll be a social piranha.
Alex: Yes. I'll be an Amazonian carnivorous fish.
Haley: Carniv- What?

Alex: People want to be challenged. They're gonna respect me for it.
Haley: No one's ever gonna talk to you again.
Alex: So what? Mahatma Gandhi went on a hunger strike for what he believed in.
Haley: That's 'cause no one would eat with him in the cafeteria.

Alex: It's ironic that I stand up here representing my classmates when... they're so awesome. They should be up here themselves. But I'm up here and... I'm sayin' stuff... 'cause... everybody's got their stuff, whether you're popular or a drama geek, or a cheerleader or even a nerd like me. We all have our insecurities.
Cameron: Yes, we do.
Alex: We're all just trying to figure out who we are. I guess what I'm trying to say is... Don't stop believin'. Get this party started.

Phil: And in this corner, finishing first in her class delivering the commencement address, weighing in at- What do you weigh, honey?
Alex: Dad!
Phil: A healthy amount for a girl her age. Are you gettin' all this, buddy?
Luke: Pure gold.
Phil: She's the main brain, the cerebellum of the ball, Alex Dunphy!
Alex: Oh, keep rolling. The news will want this footage when I eventually snap.

Phil: [aside to camera] Family milestones always throw Claire for a loop. She holds it in, and then the next day she has a total meltdown and I have to pick up the pieces. The problem is tomorrow I'm supposed to go to Vegas with my buds so I need her to melt down today. Otherwise, what happens in Vegas won't happen to me, because I won't be there. "Guys, I can't go to Vegas because my wife's freaking out." Trust me, that is not a phone call you wanna make to a bunch of ex-college male cheerleaders. They will mock you with a hurtful rhythmic taunt.

Gloria: [answering phone] Hello?
Jay: Gloria, it's me.
Gloria: Hi. How was the doctor? Can you pick up some bread on the way home, please?
Jay: I'm home. My damn gate remote won't work. Could you press-
Manny: Hello?
Jay: Nine?
Gloria: Manny, it's okay.
Manny: What's okay? What's wrong? Where are you calling from?
Gloria: I'm not calling from. Jay is calling.
Manny: What's wrong with Jay?
Gloria: My clicker won't work.
Manny: Oh, my God. Your heart's not working? How could you tell us this over the phone?

Jay: [aside to camera] I got Botox. Stupid doctor talked me into it, and now it's drifting. I haven't felt this dumb since I shelled out 30 bucks for that bracelet, supposed to give me better balance.

Alex: It's ironic that I stand up here representing my classmates when, for the past three years most of them have treated me like I'm invisible. It's my own fault. I was obsessed with good grades instead of looks popularity and skinny jeans.
Haley: What? Is that your speech?
Alex: Get out of here!
Haley: You cannot say that!
Alex: Yes, I can. And you wanna know why? 'Cause it's the truth.
Haley: No one wants to hear the truth. It's very simple, Alex. In order to give a good speech, all you have to do is take a song and say it. Like, "Don't Stop Believing," or "Get this Party Started."
Alex: That's means nothing.
Haley: Who cares? Nobody wants to think. It's a graduation a celebration of being done with thinking.

Gloria: Jay, that's not looking very good.
Jay: It's fine.
Manny: Quick. Who's the president.
Phil: Obama!
Manny: Phil, please. I'm trying to rule out a stroke.
Jay: It's not a stroke. Why does everybody always assume I'm having a stroke?
Claire: Age.
Manny: Diet.
Gloria: You forgot to bring my bread.

Manny: Hey, Luke. Do you realize in two years you and I will be graduating?
Luke: Not now. I think I'm moving the ball with my mind.
Manny: Well, I'll be graduating.