Richard: How are you 36? I just can't get over how young you look.
Haley: The trick is to not smile too hard.
Richard: [laughs] You're funny. [Haley chuckles uneasily] I did not expect that from a seismologist. Which, by the way, how did you get into that?
Haley: Oh, um, it's just always come easy for me. You know? I look at people and I just instinctively know their size. People are like, "Oh, I'm a 4," and I'm like, "Who you foolin', girl? You a 10." [laughs]
Alex: Ma'am, here is that napkin you asked for.
Haley: Oh, thanks. [reads napkin] Ha ha. Fooled you. I was just joking about clothing stuff. The real reason why I got into studying earthquakes is because I love nature.
Richard: I guess that would explain the ornithology interest, too, huh?
Haley: [laughs nervously] Miss, could I have another... [Alex flaps her arms] Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Angels have always been cool, [Alex pecks back and forward] but not as cool as birds! I love birds!

Dede: Well, I don't know what you're doing, but you look great.
Jay: And you look great, too. Oh, look, there's no line at the bar. How about a Rob Roy for old time's sake?
Dede: Oh, you remembered, Sarge. [to Mitchell] That was the only drink I could keep down when I was pregnant.

Cameron: Well, if there's video of Lily's recital on her iPad, then I know it's for sure her, and plus, I can e-mail it to myself and have a proper viewing party.
Haley: Ooh, I've got a thing.
Alex: Yeah, I'll probably be working.
Cameron: I haven't even set a date yet. Okay, there's a passcode.
Alex: Well, of course there's a passcode. Give me that. All right, well, she ordered a powdered doughnut, so... All right. Chalky fingerprints on the 8, the 5, the 3, and the 1. Your passcode is some combination of those four.
Cameron: Oh, my God. You're brilliant.
Alex: Last year, I was doing differential topography at Cal Tech, and now I sketch leaves in milk foam for adult skateboarders. I need something more.

Luke: What? I'm gonna learn all this in three months?
Phil: You're a quick study. Look at how fast you learned magic. I got a home movie of you pulling an impossibly long chain of baby wipes out of your diaper.
Luke: Okay, I was 5 in a diaper. That's not really a sign of a quick learner.

Kayla: Can I have that dropped at the gift table for you?
Jay: Ah, I think I'll hang onto this. This is a special gift. It's a wine fridge 36 bottles, stainless steel, dual temp zones for your whites, your reds.
Mitchell: She doesn't care. Okay. And neither did the priest. Father O'GodHe'sHot.
Claire: I know. Those lips, right?
Jay: Hey, hey, hey. Is that appropriate?
Mitchell: Appropriate? You never carried us around as proudly as you're carrying around that thing.

Jay: 30 years ago, I didn't do your Aunt Becky's closets for free. The whole family got together and decided I was cheap called me "High Pockets." Well, we'll see what her boy Brian says when he opens what Esquire Magazine called "the last under-counter wine fridge you'll ever need."

Claire: Mom! What is she doing here? She's not even related to these people!
Mitchell: Oh, my God. You, me, Mom, Dad, alone. Without Gloria to absorb the hate. Okay, why am I scared? I'm feeling scared.
Claire: Because you are flashing back to every family event that ended with Dad whisper-screaming at Mom, "Would you calm down?" while she would swing her pocketbook around until it burst open like a pill-packed pinata.

Cameron: [aside to camera] That horrid woman robbed me of my proud daddy moment and forced me to lie to my daughter. "You danced beautifully, Lily!" But did she? I have no idea!

Haley: Why didn't you smack her down last night? With words, obviously. Wait, can gays smack women?
Cameron: No. ... No!

Cameron: You know what, I would have cussed her out last night, except the selfish hag left the moment her daughter's dance was over. I hope there's no rule in here about causing a commotion.
Alex: I mean, we didn't really feel the need to put it up on a sign because, you know, civilization.
Cameron: Well, I answer to a higher law.