Cameron: No, okay, not happening. I'm having flashbacks. I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I was kid, I fell into a well.
Mitchell & Cameron: [together] It happened the same day as baby Jessica, but she got all the press.
Cameron: It still stings. Everybody loves a baby, but not one single prayer for a husky teen who's stuck head-first in a well for the better part of an hour.

Cameron: All right, Lily, let's go. Okay, how late are we, "goat loose in the house" late or "stubborn cow in the road" late?
Mitchell: You've lived here 12 years. Please use city time.

Phil: [aside to camera] I'm a stress blinker, um, and what really gets me going is confrontation. I hate it. I-I avoid it at all costs. Terrible at it. Once, I, uh, I tried to break up with a girl, and I danced around it so much, she didn't know I had broken up with her. Twenty years later we're still married.

Claire: Honey, do you think you're nervous because you've got a little crush on Mr. Jarvis?
Alex: No.
Claire: Are you sure? Because I've seen the way you look at him-
Alex: Sounds like you're the one with the crush! I've just never had a teacher not like me before.
Phil: Well, Ms. Davis.
Alex: Please. She's a gym teacher. She is to teaching what Dr. Seuss is to medicine.
Claire: And to think she didn't like you.

Claire: [aside to camera] Every new generation thinks they have cracked the code on child rearing. What's the latest theory? "Never say no." I say "no" every day in this house.
Phil: But at night, she's a "yes" machine.
Claire: No.