Mitchell: Stop eyeing the princess. You're gonna freak her out.
Cameron: I don't know. I think the whole idea of needing a prince to come along and make you happy sends the wrong message, Mitchell I really do.
Mitchell: Really? And a grown man pulling boxer shorts out of his mouth doesn't?

Claire: Where's Mom?
Jay: Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.
Mitchell: I thought she was coming with you.
Claire: Oh, no, no. I haven't seen Mom since- Let's see- Oh, she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night.
Jay: What?
Claire: Yeah.
Mitchell: No, my God.
Claire: Yeah, yeah. And then she took off with him didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep. And then this morning left a cute little note that said, "Having breakfast with Robbie."

Mitchell: No, not not now. The last thing I need is some big scene, Claire.
Claire: You know she's doing this just to torture me.
Mitchell: No. She's doing this to get back at me because I didn't let her stay with us.
Jay: You're both wrong. It's about me. I got the young girl, she had to get the young guy.
Mitchell: Well, she and I are good. We had a long talk last night after you and I "split" that bottle of wine and you "fell asleep" on the stairs.

Gloria: I don't know why everybody's getting so upset about this. Maybe it's about passion, about what the body wants. What the- What the heart wants for the heart.
Claire: Dad, seriously, can you deal with Cheech and Chong.

Dede: Oh, that's Lily. Oh, I guess you're trying to keep the outfit I sent her clean.

Mitchell: So, Robbie, it looks like the years have been treating you good, huh?
Robbie: Hey. What's up, Red?
Mitchell: Ohh.
Robbie: I love this guy. Remember we used to wrestle around all the time?
Mitchell: Please stop. Is my baby watching?
Robbie: Good to see you, man.

Claire: I need to talk to you for a second. Let me just ask you a little something. What are you doing with my mother?
Robbie: Hey, I've got a code. What happens in the limo, stays in the limo.
Claire: She's my mother!
Robbie: Look, I know this is all a little freaky but I had a crush on your mother back in high school. And it's always been kind of a fantasy for me.
Claire: Ew! You were dating me and fantasizing about my mother?

Mitchell: Not now. Not now. Not now.
Claire: She accused me of trying to steal my old boyfriend from her.
Mitchell: Okay, fine. But make it quick.

Phil: Robbie, I think maybe, you know, you should take off.
Robbie: Yeah, yeah. Look, I hear you, Phil. Uh, but between you and me, I'm getting some serious vibes from the princess over here - and I'd kinda like to play that out.
Jay: Hey, time to go.
Robbie: Hey, Mr. P. How ya been?
Jay: I'm doing good. But I never liked you in the basement with my daughter and I don't like you here with my ex.
Robbie: You know, your little intimidation game may have worked on me when I was a kid, but I'm a full grown man now... and I think I should go.

Dede: I don't know what I was thinking with him. I feel like such a fool.
Jay: You got flattered by the attention of a younger guy and you got a little carried away. So what?
Dede: It's not that. It's- I divorced you because I was looking for something else. I haven't found it. But when I come back here, I feel like I have to prove something like people are looking at me saying, "You broke up the family. What do you have to show for it?"
Jay: You did the right thing. We were stalled. I didn't have the guts to end it.
Dede: That's because you're a decent man. And that doesn't make it any easier. I just don't want to be thought of as "Crazy Nana." That's not really who I am. I think, more than anything else, my real problem is... her! [charges at Gloria]
Jay: Huh?
Gloria: No, Dede! Ay! Que pasa?