Jay: It's perfectly safe. It's a legitimate airline!
Pilot: Hey, folks. Whoa. Nobody said three. All right. Before we take off, I'm gonna need to get everyone's weight here.
Jay: No problem. I'm about 190.
Pilot: Okay.
Gloria: Oh, yeah. In that case, I'm 275.

Jay: It's American music the whole way, and I don't wanna hear a word.

Jay: All right, look, the welcome dinner starts in four hours. It's a 5-hour drive. No bathroom breaks.
Manny: [slurps] Uh-oh.
Jay: Yeah, I think you're gonna want to hold on to that cup.

Cameron: Okay, what do you think? I'm gonna put these in the subway.
Mitchell: Okay, it looks like, uh, Lily's missing and we're offering $25 to get her back.
Cameron: Oh, don't be ridiculous. No one in their right mind- Okay. That's all I see now. How about this one?
Mitchell: Okay. Um "Missing: Stuffed bunny. Brown and white fur. Sympathetic eyes." What are sympathetic eyes?
Cameron: Not those.

Man: Hey, nice car.
Claire: Thank you.
Man:You gonna drive up the coast, or-
Claire: Oh, no. I'm gonna do some errands, actually. Yeah, 'cause other people might go and buy a crazy car with an engine in the- in the trunk, but not me. No. I'm responsible. Mm-hmm. Yeah, we have three kids. You can't pick up three kids in this car. [The guy drives off] You can't.

Kyle: Well, your strut's shot, and we can't get parts for at least a day.
Jay: Fantastic. I don't suppose there's any place you can rent cars anywhere around here?
Kyle: Know what, sir? We're not some one-horse town. Of course you can rent a car. It just happens to be out for the day.
Jay: Unbelievable.

Mitchell: Hey, Lily, guess what?
Lily: What?
Mitchell: Uh, we just heard from Bunny.
Cameron: This is a terrible idea.
Mitchell: No, it's fantastic. Bunny said he's on an amazing adventure having the time of his life, and that you should pick one of his best friends to sleep with while he's gone.
Lily: Bunny doesn't talk.
Cameron: This is going great.
Mitchell: He does now, because- Because he took talking lessons.

Claire: [aside to camera] Once I hit the coast highway, I didn't stop. I turned off my cell phone. I ate fish tacos for lunch. It was insane! I haven't felt that free in years. All my stress completely disappeared... And so did my keys.

Cameron: Let her hate us. You turned out great.
Mitchell: I did, didn't I?
Cameron: You're a big lawyer.

Manny: [on vibrating bed] This is not the massage I had in mind.