Alex: Sanjay's the only one in class who might do better than me, and I cannot let that happen.
Claire: Honey, listen to yourself. It's just not healthy.
Phil: This is my fault. You see me achieve excellence, and it puts a lot of pressure on you.
Claire: What about me?
Phil: Sorry. Yeah. It puts a lot of pressure on both of you.

Cameron: Honestly, I think you're overly worried about Lily. It's not like she's gonna grow up to be a thief. And besides, at the end of the day who does she learn her behavior from? Us. We're her role models. Like Mama always said, our children are just miniature versions of us.

Mr. Hoffman: Oh, this has been so much fun.
Jay: You know, I'm surprised to hear you say that. You've been pretty quiet.
Mr. Hoffman: That's because I'm a listener. Love to listen. It's my hobby.
Jay: Listening is your hobby?

Jay: Okay, let's slow down. You're nice people, we're nice people, but let's be honest. We've all tried to do that thing where we force a friendship that isn't really there so why don't we just call it a day right now and say good-bye, shake hands, wish each other well?
Mrs. Hoffman: Oh, my God.
Mr. Hoffman: This is so uncomfortable.
Jay: No, no. The beauty of it is, we're never gonna see each other again so there's no reason to be uncomfortable.
Gloria: They're staying with us tonight. Their bags are in our house.
Jay: Then you were right. This is uncomfortable.

Mitchell: Okay, today, when we were leaving the mall I saw Tracy by the fountain.
Cameron: Please don't tell me you slept with her again. Did you? You didn't, right?
Mitchell: You're joking.
Cameron: Yeah.
Mitchell: Okay. Um, I don't know how to say this, or if I'm even right. I'm probably not. But, um, she was with a redheaded boy about eight years old which is the same number of years since we...
Cameron: No.
Mitchell: And she said she'd only been married a year and it would explain why she was so awkward with me, and...

Mitchell: Are you okay?
Cameron: Yeah. Yeah, well, you don't just tell your partner you may have a baby with someone else and expect them to go back to eating a delicious and inventive meal like it's nothing.
Mitchell: Okay, Cam, but even if he is mine, it doesn't change anything between us.
Cameron: Mitchell, I need to have my reaction. Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Gloria: Jay. They order a cab. Are you happy now?
Jay: I'll be happy when I hear a trunk close.

Gloria: Why did you talk to them like that?
Jay: What? I was just being honest. They're boring as hell.
Gloria: Quiet. They can hear you.
Jay: He probably already heard me. His hobby is listening.

Gloria: Jay, you don't treat people like that.
Jay: What, I should do what you do? Pretend to like someone you don't?
Gloria: I'm doing it right now.
Jay: Can I tell you something, Gloria? When you reach a certain age, you wanna spend what precious little time you have left with people you actually like, not some bozos who glommed onto you.
Manny: Tell me about it. I've got a clingy fifth-grader I can't shake.
Jay: See? Even Manny knows.
Manny: I got your back, Jay. Thirsty?

Jay: Can we just please forget about this now?
Gloria: And the worst thing is that you sold me out without warning and made me look like a fool. Husband and wife are supposed to help each other not throw each other under the bus! I would never do that to you.
Jay: Gloria. Gloria, wait. Could you get my book for me? I left it downstairs.