Cameron: Mitchell, wait. Listen, I was up all night thinking about it and here's the thing. If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be living with someone and raising a beautiful baby girl I would have said you were crazy. But here we are and you and Lily are the best things that have ever happened to me. So if you're telling me there's another kid, how can that be anything but good?
Mitchell: Oh, Cam, that's That means-
Cameron: No, it's okay.
Mitchell: No. I need to have my reaction.
Cameron: We're gonna be okay.

Mitchell: I mean, what's this kid gonna think of me? I've been absent for the first eight years of his life. How do you make up for time like that?
Cameron: Okay, slow down. You're spinning out. It's probably just a false alarm.
Mitchell: No, you're right. This could be my going-bald scare all over again.
Cameron: Yeah, and we know how that turned out. [twirls Mitchell's hair]

Claire: Honey. What would happen if the greatest scientists on earth got together to mate nature's two most violent predators?
Phil: Are we talking about Croctopus in 3-D?
Claire: At 2:10.
Phil: Book it!

Claire: Sweetheart, it's still a great score. I hope you're not beating yourself up.
Alex: I'm not.
Phil: That's our girl.
Alex: Sanjay's dad's a surgeon. His mom's a professor. I can't compete with that. I'll just have to do the best I can with what I was given.

Claire: Are we holding our kids back?
Phil: No! We're both bright people.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: We're college graduates. We read. I'd go so far as to say we're as intellectual and sophisticated as- Sweet! Croctopus tickets confirmed.

Vish Patel: Are you here to see Deux Jour de la Vie?
Claire: Well, we're not here to see Croctopus. [all laugh]
Nina Patel: Forgive Vish if you hear him groan. He gets annoyed if the subtitles are mistranslated.
Phil: Well, that makes deux of us. [chuckles]

Claire: Phil, where are you going?
Phil: Croctopus.
Claire: Honey. Honey, I think we should go see this movie.
Phil: Why do I have to watch a French movie? I didn't do anything wrong.
Claire: Maybe Alex has a point. How can we encourage our kids to have intellectual curiosity when we don't have any?
Phil: I don't know.
Claire: It's two hours of our life.
Phil: Fine.
Claire: For our kids.
Phil: Sometimes I hate the kids.

Phil: [whispering] I'm so confused.
Claire: I'm not. I love this.
Phil: You do not. Name one thing you've liked about this.
Claire: I like the scene with the old man on the beach.
Phil: That was a trailer for a different movie.
Claire: So he's not coming back?
Phil: No, he's not coming back, and I'm not coming back either.

Phil: [aside to camera] While Claire watched one of the most highly acclaimed films of the year I sat through a badly made schlock fest with absolutely no redeeming value and it was awesome.

Phil: Feels like I have ink on me.