Gloria: I'm just saying that we could have caught those kids.
Jay: What, and chase them around all night? I'm not a young man anymore, as the world keeps pointing out.
Gloria: What did that waiter just call you outside?
Jay: Medieval Knievel.

Steven: That is hilarious. I love when people put some thought into their outfit. Illegal alien, sugar daddy.
Gloria: Why do you say "illegal"?
Steven: Because antennas are alien, and you're-
Gloria: What? Illegal? Because of the color of my skin? Why don't I dump your baby in your gas tank?

Gloria: What is it with me lately? Manny's right. I'm such a hothead.
Jay: It happens. You're pregnant.
Gloria: That's what it is, isn't it? It's the baby. It's angry in there.
Jay: No!
Gloria: Yes! You just said it yourself. I have changed. I have an angry baby inside of me making me do bad things!
Jay: It's just hormones. It's your mama bear instinct kicking in. And that's a good thing, because that means you're gonna be a great mom. Again.
Gloria: Do you really think so?
Jay: You got a lucky little kid in there. He's got a mom who's not gonna let anyone harm him.
Gloria: Or her.
Jay: Or- Or him.

Lily: Do you know my mom? She's a princess.
Mitchell: She's exhausted. She's not making sense. She's so tired.
Lily: Daddy, you told me!
Cameron: What is she talking about, Mitchell?
Lily: My real mom. She is, right?
Cameron: Okay, I think we need to have a little talk.
Lily: Uh-oh.
Mitchell: Sam, do you notice how slim Cam's getting?
Cameron: Nice try. I will be back for that answer.

Cameron: We agreed to tell Lily about her mother together, wearing calming earth tones, and we agreed to tell her the truth.

Mitchell: The way you agreed so quickly makes me wonder what sort of things you've told her.
Cameron: I may have told her her fibs kills birds.
Mitchell: Wow. We're coming back to that one.

Cameron: Um... Well, do you remember how we used to tell you there was a heaven for all the flowers that die?
Mitchell: [through side of mouth] What do you mean, "used to"?
Cameron: [through side of mouth] Sorry, I let it slip. We'll deal with it later.
Mitchell: [through side of mouth] How much are you not telling me?
Lily: [through side of mouth] Why are you talking like this?
Cameron: Daddies took a little side trip. Sorry, sweetie.

Mitchell: Um, so sometimes, uh, we tell you things like that to make you feel better. And I might have done the same thing when I told you that your mom is a princess.
Lily: So she's not?
Cameron: Well, you know what? She might be.
Mitchell: She might be.
Cameron: But we can't know for sure, honey, because well, we don't know where she is or what she's doing.
Mitchell: B- But what- What we do know is that she loved you very, very much. And she knew that she couldn't take care of you, so she made sure that you went with the most loving family she could find.
Cameron: And that's how the three of us became a family. Does that make sense, sweetie?
Mitchell: Do you have any questions for us?
Lily: Why did you say a fib and kill a bird?

Sam: I noticed you walking in with your wife earlier. She's stunning.
Jay: You know my favorite part of that compliment? You knew she was my wife. Half the world thinks she's my daughter.
Sam: Well, if you ask me, she's a lucky girl. Bummer for me, though. Handsomest man in here, and he's taken.
Jay: I'll bet you do all right with the boys.
Sam: I do. It's the men I'm interested in.
Jay: You just put it all right out there, don't you?
Sam: I always try to hold a little something back.
Cameron: Oh, my gosh.
Gloria: No, no, no, no, no, no. Leave him.
Cameron: No, but you know that's a
Gloria: I know. He needs this.

Sam: It was great meeting you, Jay.
Jay: You, too, Sam.
Cameron: Wow! Looks like somebody really likes you.
Jay: What can I say? I still got it. I've been meaning to ask you, have you lost some weight? Because you look good.
Cameron: Wow, you have no idea what that means to hear from you, Jay.
Jay: Uh, turn it that way.