‘Message Received’
Season 5, Episode 22 - Aired May 7, 2014
As their wedding day approaches and the expenses pile up, Mitchell and Cameron try to raise some extra money. After Phil and Claire uncover his old answering machine, the kids play a prank on their parents. Meanwhile, Jay, Manny and Gloria try to step outside their comfort zones and try something new.
Quote from Phil
Ling: [on Phil's old answering machine] Hey, Dunph-dog, it's Ling. Grab your rollerblades and meet us at the bike path, playa! But I got to be done by 3:00, 'cause today's the day I fly my new helicopter.
Quote from Claire
Claire: [on Phil's old answering machine] Phil, hey, it's Claire. Um... I need to tell you something, and I don't want to do it on your machine. It's really important-
Claire: Oh, no, no, no.
Claire: [on Phil's old answering machine] You know, life-and-death important.
Claire: Come on. Come on.
Claire: [on Phil's old answering machine] Not death, um, just life. I mean I just- Oh, hell, I'm pregnant!
Claire: Oh, sweet newlyweds!
Claire: [on Phil's old answering machine] Don't worry. You don't have to marry me or anything. Let's talk as soon as you can. Why weren't we more careful? Stupid Duran Duran concert.
Quote from Manny
Gloria: Manny, what are you doing sitting in front of a pickle?
Manny: Jay says I can't leave until I taste it.
Gloria: Why do you torture him like this?
Jay: 'Cause he's too stuck in his ways, Gloria. This is good for him. He'll taste the pickle, he'll find that he likes it, he'll try more things. This is good parenting.
Manny: This is not going to play well in my memoir.
Quote from Manny
Gloria: You know, you're one to talk. How many times have I asked you to try my mother's blood sausages?
Jay: Totally different. That's disgusting.
Gloria: How do you know it's disgusting if you've never tried it?
Manny: You've never tried grandma's delicious blood sausage that's right there in the freezer?
Gloria: Oh, you're right. We do have some left over.
Jay: Really? It hasn't been all gobbled up yet?
Gloria: Okay, Mr. Father of the Year, time for you to show Manny that you're not a hypocrite.
Manny: Looks like you're in quite a conundrum.
Jay: You know, you could've said-
Manny: "A pickle"! Dang it! It was right there.
Quote from Gloria
Jay: Fine, we'll all conquer something today.
Gloria: What do I have to conquer? I eat everything.
Jay: Pet Stella's belly.
Gloria: What?
Jay: You won't touch Stella's belly.
Gloria: Yeah, because it's the creepiest thing ever. Has like 30 nipples.
Jay: I'll eat the blood sausage, Manny eats the pickles, you pet her belly.
Gloria: I'd rather eat the dog.
Quote from Gloria
Mitchell: Sorry to barge in here like this. I guess it's weird that, uh, I'm still storing stuff here.
Gloria: I just wish you would have come in sooner before I went to second base with Stella.
Quote from Mitchell
Cameron: You know, it's funny, I never saw you as a comic-book guy.
Mitchell: Oh, no, I wasn't, but I don't know. Spider-man, he... he spoke to me. I- I think it's because it's about this nerdy kid who has this special secret side of himself that he can't share with anybody, and- And that's how I always felt. Spider-man made me feel like it was okay to be different. And It made me fee tough enough to- to get through the rough times.
Cameron: Oh, Mitchell, that's so sweet. I didn't know that. Are you sure you want to sell it?
Mitchell: Yes, yes. Because, like Spider-man I am brave and strong. Oh! Spider web! Spider web!
Cameron: Mitchell!
Mitchell: It's in my mouth!
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: God! It's ruined.
Cameron: Mitchell, it's okay. It probably wasn't worth that much anyway.
Mitchell: It was worth $5,000! Your belt buckle is garbage. It came from a gas station! Your grandfather never met Wyatt Earp!
Cameron: [gasps]
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: I didn't hold on to that for quite as long as I thought.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: Hey, I'm sorry. I- I didn't mean to blurt it out like that.
Cameron: No, it's- It's okay. I kinda suspected the dates didn't line up. Now I'm starting to think that wasn't Amelia Earhart's compass.
Quote from Manny
Jay: Here you go, one of my best efforts. Have at it.
Manny: Mm, I can't eat that.
Jay: Why not?
Manny: The pickle's touching it.
Jay: There.
Manny: The juice got on the bread and... Ew, what's that stuff?
Jay: Spices.
Manny: It looks like sea monkeys. Have you ever really examined a jar of pickles, Jay? It's like a swamp in there. I'll pass.