Manny: You two need each other. It's what drives you.
Earl: The kid is right. Beating you is half the reason I get out of bed. Locking horns. We made each other better than I ever thought we could be.
Jay: Pushed each other to greatness.
Earl: We touched the sky.
Manny: We're talking about closets here, right?
Jay: Oh, I'm sorry, you mean the sanctuary where a man dons his armor in the morning and takes stock of the battle at night?!
Earl: The one thing we all have in common; presidents to postmen, tycoons to teachers, from sea to shining sea!
Manny: This is taking a weird turn.

Jay: [aside to camera] David Soul played Hutch in "Starsky and Hutch." Now, one of my groovier closet ideas was a hutch for your skis that latched onto the end of your closet. I called it the "Storeski End Hutch." David Soul gave me a signed picture. Well, one day, the picture disappears and Earl plays innocent. But the whole time, he's had it. Ironically, this would've been a great episode in "Starsky and Hutch."

Jay: I hate losing to a team with a Viking mascot. Hey, you died out and became Swedes! Hip-hip-hooray for socialism and seasonal depression!

Phil: You know, I'm as happy now as I've ever been. And look, we're in Yucaipa. That sounds like how Ewoks talk.
Mitchell: I used to sneak off to a gay bar in Yucaipa before I came out.
Phil: Huh, you don't really think of gay bars as a small-town thing.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah. They serve your rural gays, your closeted gays, your city newbies looking to get their gay sea-legs, kind of like an out-of-town tryout before they hit Broadway.

Principal Brown: Coach Tucker, students are a "protected class" and it is not okay for you, an elite white man of privilege, to bully them.
Cameron: Privilege? I-I make a teacher's salary. And I'm gay.
Principal Brown: Yeah, gay doesn't really get you the mileage that it used to. Now, if you were trans, we'd be golden.
Jay: Oh, has the whole world gone crazy?!
Cameron: Jay...
Jay: No, no, I've had it. I mean, what, everyone's so sensitive, they're gonna ruin football? In my day, our team, the Hamilton Cabbage Eaters, captained by Knish Bronstein, took on the Lincoln Banditos, QB'd by José "Speedy" Gonzales. And after three hours of pummeling each other's privates at the bottom of dog piles, we shook hands like brothers and all went to brawl the Sausage-Heads in Pierogi-Town. America. [voice breaking] Beautiful melting pot.
Cameron: Uh... How was that your life? You were in high school during the Summer of Love.