Jay: Damn it, Gloria! It's not cutting! These aren't lefties!

Claire: Grand-marshal. Take that, Grandpa! You must be on top of the world.
Jay: Well, I'm putting on a brave face for the good of the country, but the truth is, we did not get off to a great start. Gloria is not on her game today, and I'm afraid she's gonna forget to lead the standing ovation after my speech.
Claire: Hm.
Jay: In fact, I'm tagging you in. Your cue is "pursuit of happiness." And if you could sell it, a "bravo" would be nice.

Claire: Okay. I-I know what's wrong with Gloria. This is a big day for you, and she's feeling left out.
Jay: No, that's not it.
Claire: Damn it.
Lily: [on the phone] You're not getting here till tomorrow? How does your name even have the word "man" in it?
Claire: Something just clicked.
Jay: Jaw trouble?
Claire: No! She was just on with Manny, who's not coming. Don't Gloria and Manny have some Fourth of July tradition?
Jay: Come to think of it, they share a slice of apple pie and watch the fireworks. They've been doing that every year since he was born!
Claire: Until this year, which is why Gloria is upset. Yes!
Jay: You're right!

Luke: But college is different. I mean, you screw up at community college, you're out of options.
Phil: You're not gonna screw it up.
Luke: I've messed up a lot of things in my life. I'm scared I'll do it again.
Phil: Good.
Luke: What?
Phil: Being scared means you care. Maybe... Maybe that's what's been missing in the past.
Luke: It's the biggest thing I've ever tried to do.

Cameron: Oh, my gosh. Pam is gonna be so excited. He's already busting at a first-grade level.

Gloria: How was the parade?
Jay: I had something more important to do.
Gloria: Apple pie?
Jay: I got a few weird looks at the drive-through, but it was worth it to help keep your tradition alive.
Gloria: You mean Manny and me? It's not gonna happen, because... I've got that covered, too.
Claire: ♪ Ta-da! ♪
Manny: [on video chat] Hi, Mom! I miss you!
Gloria: Oh, Jay! That's perfect!
Jay: Oh, it's not perfect yet. [whistles, firework starts]
Claire: Should we really give the dangerous job to my only smart one?

Phil: Never too late to start training for next year! Let's loosen up first with some exercises. Lamalick. Dizzy Gillespie. Tiffy pop it. Hold it. And out. Tiffy...
Luke: Dad, I don't think I can ever eat another hot dog again.
Phil: Yeah, I thought you might feel this way. [on the phone] Hey, you there?
Lily: What?
Phil: We're having some trouble getting these bad boys down.
Lily: I'm not surprised, you pathetic losers. You two disgust me more than what's in those hot dogs. What's the hold up? Are we saving our bodies for bikini season, ladies?
Luke: She's good.
Phil: She better be. She's expensive.