Manny: I guess I can go out on the roof and check for monster slobber.
Joe: Okay.
Gloria: No! If he falls from the roof and dies, his ghost will haunt you forever.
Joe: Oh, boy. I do not need a ghost.

Frank: Maybe I do overdo it. I remember your mother was really ticked off at me at your baptism when I kept pretending the holy water was boiling. [Phil laughs] Ouch! Ouch! Okay, we don't have to do anything crazy today. Don't worry about it.
Phil: Thanks, Pops.
Frank: But, wait, you're still gonna do my funeral the way we talked about, right?
Phil: That recording of you banging on that piece of wood screaming, "Let me out of here!"
Frank: [laughs] It's a real shame I'm gonna miss that.

Jay: [aside to camera] I'm turning 70 next year. I know, I look great. One of the few perks of getting up there is the ability to say no without guilt. "Can I have a ride to the airport?" No. Do I want to see your niece's recital? Nuh-unh. "Want to do a walk-a-thon to end global..." I'm gonna stop you right there.

Joe: Look, my window's open! Maybe that's how he got in.
Manny: Impossible. If he came across the roof, there'd be broken tiles or monster prints or...
[aside to camera:]
Manny: My monogrammed money clip. I snuck in through Joe's window last night because it was past curfew, and I must have dropped my clip on the roof. I needed to get it before Mom saw. I can't afford to get grounded. David Sedaris is coming to Barnes and Noble on a school night.

Phil: I'm sorry. I thought this would be fun.
Claire: Yes, but your idea of fun is often our idea of a horror show.
Luke: When you picked me up from school in that hot-dog car.
Haley: Repeatedly screaming, "That's what I'm talking about!" at my graduation.
Alex: Walking into my science fair on stilts.
Phil: Your exhibit was on daddy long legs. I had no choice!

Phil: Sometimes life can be simpler than we think. We're born. We die. And in between, if we're lucky, we laugh. Which makes the journey worth taking. With that in mind, do you, Frank Dunphy, the silliest man I know, take Lorraine to be your long-suffering wife?
Frank: I do.
Phil: You may kiss the tomato.

Phil: [ringtone playing] Oh, quick. What nickname did Jennifer Lopez steal from Jon Lovitz? J... Never mind. [answers phone] Hello? Yes, the rings.
Luke: Wow. He didn't say "J-Lo."
Haley: He also heard that siren and didn't say, "There's my ride." Did we break Dad?
Claire: And when was the last time you saw him pick up a can of whipped cream and not do his "I've got rabies" gag? Oh, my God. Did we go too far? Have we knocked the fun out of him?

Phil: "For man can no more survive without love than a cooper without his billhook, nor a whaler less his flensing knife." Words as true today as they were when they were written 18,000 years ago. That can't be right.

Pam: Oh, no, I think my water just broke.
Cameron: Is it on me?!
Pam: I'm fixing to reproduce right now! Call 811.
Cameron: No, Mitchell, that's for livestock. Call 911.

Lily: Cake for breakfast? Now we're talking.
Cameron: No, don't touch that! I'm making that for Uncle Pepper's costume party tonight. The theme is famous movie duos. Daddy and I are going as Leo and the "Revenant" bear.
Mitchell: [growls]