Jay: [aside to camera] Joe hasn't slept in that chewed-up sweater snagger in years, but Gloria won't let me get rid of anything the kid has ever touched, so I needed a plan. Fortunately, when you say no to everything, it frees up time to concoct ingenious schemes.

Gloria: Look, Joe, there's no monsters anywhere. There's nothing underneath the bed, nothing inside the teepee.
Joe: Are you sure?
Gloria: Yes, monsters need places to hide. They're not like the evil spirits, which are all around us.
Joe: What?
Gloria: No, no, nothing, baby.

Jay: Manny, help me out in the garage.
Manny: Do I get to say no to things I don't want to do?
Jay: No, at your age, it's unlikable. At my age, it's delightful.

Glenda: You're absolutely unremarkable! Terry, get out here!
Terry: This better not be another false... [gasps] I can't not take my eyes off him.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm... I'm not here to audition.
Glenda: Say that again.
Terry: Yes, I've already forgotten what you said. [sighs] When they made him, they kept the mold.

Haley: Ew, they're spending their wedding night right next door?
Luke: Calm down. The loudest noise you're gonna hear is Grandpa getting out of a chair.

Jay: [aside to camera] The thing about saying no, you say it too much, people just stop asking. [laughter in distance]

Mitchell: Why are you flipping out? I-I am not in competition with you.
Pam: Oh, so now you think I'm crazy?!
Mitchell: N-No.
Pam: Well, maybe I am crazy, but I have a damn good reason. Connect the dots, you dummy. I'm wearing real loose clothes. I need money real bad. My hair is lustrous like a lion's mane.
Mitchell: Uh, you're in love?
Pam: No, the opposite! I'm pregnant!

Pam: The family didn't want me to get back together with Beau on account of he's six-parts Chicopee and married, but I did it anyway, and now he's in County for punching a police horse in the face. And if they find out, then they'll just know that everyone was right about me being such a screw-up.
Mitchell: Oh, Pam, I-I had no idea.
Pam: I mean, how many months along are you?
Pam: Oh, all of them. All of them. Yeah, go ahead. Condemn me. I can see the judgment all over that generic face of yours. This strap is cutting into me like a piano wire.

Cameron: Well, I have good news. Mitchell and I are early contenders to win the best costume in the human/animal category. What are you doing?
Pam: Self-comforting with food.
Cameron: I've been working on that all morning, and it is for a party tonight.
Pam: What are a bunch of gays gonna do with a cake but stand around screeching about how pretty it is?

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It's taken me a long time, but I've finally learned that when it comes to Cam's sister, anything I say can and will be used against me.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Do you think maybe we should, you know, have the bartender cut Pam off?
Mitchell: Oh, God, you know what? She is getting a little bit messy.
Cameron: Uh, Pam, Mitchell thinks you're kind of making a fool out of yourself.
Pam: Go to hell, Mitchell! You go straight to hell! Whoo!