Claire: Okay, fine! Fine! You know what? I am really tired of trying to make this work on my own. I will see you people in a year.
Alex: And nine days.

Gloria: No! Nobody goes anywhere. I know what the problem is here. You two miss your mommy.
Claire: No. I do not miss my mommy.
Gloria: Admit it. It's sad. She used to make you cookies, the angel. Now she talks to you in a newsletter and she cancels for no reason. Come here, my little ones.
Mitchell: No. No, it's fine. We're good. It's not a big deal.
Gloria: It's Christmas. You need a mommy.
Mitchell: You're not mommy.
Claire: But you're not our mommy.
Gloria: And it's not Christmas. Come here. It's okay to miss her.

Jay: Can I put in my 2 cents on fake Christmas?
Phil: Express Christmas.
Jay: Let it go, Phil. It's not sticking.
Phil: It needs time. [shakes]

Jay: We all gave it our best shot to make this thing work. It just didn't happen, all right? What do you say we cut our losses? Let's go out to a nice Chinese restaurant and have a traditional Jewish Christmas.
Manny: But I risked my life grocery shopping.
Jay: Save that story for Wang Fu.

Cameron: Jay, Jay, Jay.
Jay: You wanna hug me, don't you?
Cameron: I kind of do.
Jay: 4-5 seconds.
Cameron: 45 seconds?
Jay: 4 to 5 seconds.

Gloria: Family is family. The one that you end up with. Or the family that you gain along the way. Which makes every day December 16th.

Phil: Hey, Jay, um, I'm sorry about the baseball card. I- I did get you a- a backup gift. It's-it's nothing. I picked it up when we stopped for gas.
Jay: Dog antlers.
Phil: I know. You got us snow, and I got you dog antlers.
Jay: I love these.
Phil: I thought you might.
Jay: Honey, look. There. How cute is that? Where's my Camera? Gloria, you gotta see this! Come on, Stella. Gloria!
Phil: Dog antlers.
Cameron: He loves dog antlers.