[aside to camera:]
Phil: A tiny but noticeable red mark on his neck? I'm not an idiot. Someone's been practicing his orange grip.
[back:]
Phil: Pick up the pace! This is where we make up for your mom being so bad at Hula-Hooping. Shoot!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: [holding a woman's shoe] I randomly found this in a bush under Luke's window. Alex probably asked Haley to borrow them, Haley threw the pair, Alex caught one, the other one flew out the window, phone call came, they forgot. Girls.

Haley: Oh, hey. What are you doing home?
Alex: [scoffs] Being crushed over and over by family members.

Phil: Look, I'm not sure everything I said here makes sense, but just be careful and respectful. And you did break a big rule, so no car privileges for a month.
Luke: I don't need it anyway. I just got dumped.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: We sat there like that for 20 minutes.

Gloria: I was going to ask you to go to Juárez with me next week for my cousin's wedding, but I know that you don't want to go, so I'll go alone.
Joe: You're really not gonna go?
Jay: Well, you heard her. She's fine going alone.
Joe: If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with her, you'll regret it. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.
Jay: What did you say? Is that "Casablanca"?
Joe: It doesn't take much to see the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday, you'll understand that. Now, now. Here's looking at you, kid.

Mitchell: Oh, my God. Lily, look. Daddy made us all this food. "Heat for 20 minutes. Love me for the rest of time." Aww.
Lily: "The sun will come out tamales."

Mitchell: Cam!
Cameron: Oh, my gosh! What are you guys doing here?
Mitchell: We spent the whole day thinking about ourselves, and then realized you've spent the whole day thinking about us, too. So I brought you something take to Missouri.
Lily: I'm coming with you, Daddy!
Cameron: Oh, my gosh! I get to keep her for the whole summer?
Mitchell: Yeah!
Cameron: But won't you miss her?
Mitchell: No. No. Because I'm coming, too!

Cameron: Well, what about work?
Mitchell: Well, I figure I could work from there, and, you know, fly back when I need to. Think I could use a summer of smelling fresh biscuits. And, apparently, throwing them.
Cameron: Well, look who thinks he's gonna qualify his first year.

Claire: Phil. Phil, I think I hear something in Luke's room.
Phil: Again?
[Phil goes to Luke's room, where the kids are all waiting with suitcases]
Phil: What?
Haley: We know how much you love Family Camp.
Phil: But it was canceled, and I thought you were all kind of over it.
Luke: We may be over it, but we're not over us.
Alex: What do you think about Family Camp 2.0?
Claire: Yeah, Phil, come on. Cab's gonna be here any minute. Don't you have some packing to do? Why are we always waiting on you?
Phil: I don't know where I'm packing for, but I love this!

Jay: [on answer phone] Hey, boss. It's Dad. I know I just started back, but I'm taking a couple of days off, if that's okay. And if not, too bad. I'm in Juárez!

Mitchell: [on answer phone] Hey, Dad. It's Mitch. Uh, I'm in Missouri with Cam. No, it's not a hostage situation.
Anyway, uh, can you swing by our place and water our plants? Oh, and don't forget about the Ficus in the bedroom. I know how much you love to go in there.