‘Do It Yourself’
Season 8, Episode 13 - Aired February 15, 2017
Feeling warm and fuzzy after successfully fixing the dryer, Phil decides it's finally time to take the plunge and fulfil his dream of building a commercial property, "Dunphy Tower". Claire is obsessed with a TV chef and has been "treating" her family to less-than-stellar recreations of his recipes. Cameron and Mitchell feel they have become too reliant on technology to solve their problems, so they decide to teach Lily the importance of hard work. Meanwhile, Jay feels like he's being replaced when Gloria hires Coach Gary (Payton Manning) to help Joe train for Little League.
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] Dunphy Tower: My first commercial real-estate development. I've been dreaming of building it since I was a kid, and now it's all happening. Well, minus the trampoline park on the roof and the tunnel to my best friend's house. I am still holding out hope for a fireman's pole that takes you to the parking garage.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [aside to camera] I don't know how I got stuck. I've been on roofs since I was 14 and discovered it was the best way to see into Ethel Burkin's bedroom. Older gal. 50s, I think. Today you probably wouldn't give her a second look, but this was before the Internet. It was either that or a Sears catalog.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Jay! Jay!
Jay: I'm up here.
Gloria: [to the heavens] Ay, Dios mío! Your time was too short!
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] I come from a long line of handy men. My dad used to fix everything lawnmowers, cars, our cat. So it made sense that I tackled the clothes dryer after the repair guy tried to rip me off.
Quote from Phil
Claire: I guess these are clean enough.
Phil: I'll have this thing running in no time, honey. I have an instructional video, and I'm labeling each part as I take it out. "Right-back corner. Tiny elbow-y thingy. My right. Dryer left."
Quote from Gloria
Jay: What the hell's going on here, Gloria? I feel like I died. I'm watching my family as a ghost.
Gloria: Don't be silly. If that happened, I would have changed all this furniture.
Quote from Jay
Jay: This is crazy. A kid's supposed to learn this stuff from his dad baseball, how to drive a car, how to fight a guy from Jersey. If you think you took his knife-
Joe: He's got another one.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Hi. Can I help you?
Asian woman: I'm here for Lily.
Cameron: [voice breaking] I always knew this day would come.
Mitchell: Probably not what she's here for.
Quote from Claire
Phil: I fixed the dryer, Claire, and you get to be here for the moment of truth.
Claire: [to Luke, who's holding a fire extinguisher] Pull the pin. It works. I had no idea you were so good with your hands. Very manly.
Phil: I pinched my thumb with a pair of pliers earlier. Not a peep.
Claire: Luke, Daddy and I need to go upstairs to discuss something in private.
Luke: Just go. You're ruining sex for me.
Quote from Jay
Phil: [imitating drum roll] Ta-da!
Jay: Phil, I know where we are. I drove.
Phil: You know what this is, but I'm about to tell you what this could be.
Jay: This is my least-favorite way of talking.