‘Disneyland’
Season 3, Episode 22 - Aired May 9, 2012
When the whole Pritchett clan visit Disneyland, Phil struggles to keep up with Luke, Claire tries to set Haley up with a young man, Jay and Gloria disagree about her choice of shoes, and Mitchell and Cameron try to keep Lily from running off.
Quote from Claire
Claire: All I'm saying is, it seemed like you were pretty into Ethan until Dylan showed up.
Haley: Don't get me wrong. Ethan's nice, but he's no Dylan.
Claire: Maybe that's a good thing?
Haley: Why? Because Dylan's a free spirit? He's too edgy for you? He plays by his own rules?
Claire: Oh, my God.
Haley: What?
Claire: I beg of you to turn around and experience with me the greatest moment of my life. Your rebel boyfriend's a Dapper Dan.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [aside to camera] I remember I was on Pirates of the Caribbean, and this whole fight with Dede was really eating at me. And there was this angry animatronic wench with a rolling pin, chasing some poor pirate around. They were on a track, running in circles, so he could never get away from her. And I remember thinking, I can't save you, buddy, but I'm getting off this ride.
Quote from Luke
Luke: Dad, we can always find cool stuff to do. Even if you're old and in a wheelchair, I'll take you to the mall and push you as fast as you wanna go.
Phil: Really? You'd do that?
Luke: Heck, yeah. And we'll pop some wheelies, too.
Phil: That sounds fun.
Luke: And I'll take you to the top of a huge hill and just let go.
Phil: Okay, we'll nail down the specifics later, but that that's really nice.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: [on the phone] Hey, Cam, I got her. We're in Fantasyland. Where are you? Okay, it's Toontown, not Toonton. You've been watching too much PBS. [hangs up] Thank you. All right, honey, come here. [leashes Lily]
Lily: I don't like this thing.
Mitchell: Yeah? Well, I don't like running like a crazy person through Downton Disney- Downtown Disney.
Quote from Manny
Gloria: Manny, you don't sound very happy for a kid that is flying an elephant.
Manny: I lost to Durkas. It's not fair. He wanted to buy IBM because he thought it was funny to say.
Gloria: Well, I'm glad that you lost. Fake money has changed you. Where is the Manny that used to stop to smell the roses?
Manny: He took a bath on a solar start-up in San Jose.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [aside to camera] So my plan was, drive Claire and Mitchell home, put them to bed, pour myself a big tumbler of scotch, and tell Dede it was over. But on the way out, we made one last stop.
[cut to:]
President Lincoln: If destruction be our lot, we ourselves must be its author and finisher. As a nation of free men, we must live through all times.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I don't know what happened. Maybe it's what robot Lincoln said about a man's duty or keeping the union together. Maybe I just chickened out. But I realized that staying with my kids was more important than leaving my wife. Now that's not the right decision for everyone, but it was the right decision for me.
President Lincoln: And in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it.
Jay: So I stuck it out until they were grown.
Gloria: [o.s.] Jay, you want to join me in the jacuzzi?
Jay: And the universe rewarded me.
Quote from Mitchell
Cameron: Oh, okay, wait just a second here, everybody. All right.
Gloria: Is that a leash?
Cameron: No, it's a child safety tether. This way, sweetie.
Mitchell: It- It's a leash. Don't- Don't judge us.
Quote from Mitchell
Claire: Did you know that Ethan plays the trumpet? No great surprise with those lips of his, huh?
Mitchell: Coo-coo-ca-choo, Mrs. Robinson.
Quote from Manny
Jay: Hey! How was Splash Mountain?
Gloria: It was great! Maybe we go again.
Manny: No, thanks. There was no reception in there. You know how many bars I had? Zip-a-Dee-doo-dah.
Quote from Claire
Claire: All right I want everybody to eat a lot at home because "the happiest place on earth" is also home to the most expensive churro on Earth.