Phil: Guys, I am just bursting with pride right now. Your first dance. Soon you're gonna be men. I want you to know there's more to being a man than just shopping for fancy outfits.
Jay: Yep. Pretty soon you get some hair on your chest. You start answering the phone, people don't think you're ladies.

[asides to camera, separately:]
Gloria: A few weeks ago, they asked for someone to be in charge of the school dance and I volunteered.
Claire: The school asks for volunteers so that everybody will feel included. But who are they kidding? They want me to do it. I've put on every school dance since Haley was 12. It's my thing.
Gloria: They made us cochairs which means we're supposed to do everything together. But Claire won't take any of my ideas.
Claire: She suggested an Arabian Nights theme. Isn't it a little soon?

Cameron: I mean the nerve of that lady, accusing Lily.
Mitchell: Mmm. You know what? You can't change people, Cam. I mean, we just have to rise above.
Cameron: Ow! Ohh!
Mitchell: What happened?
Cameron: She bit me.
Mitchell: Are you serious?
Cameron: Ohh! She did it again. It's like Twilight back here.

Phil: Guess who fit into the suit on the mannequin and saved us 20%?
Luke: Here's something I didn't know about mannequins, they don't have a wiener.
Manny: What the heck is that?
Phil: It's a nicer word for "penis."

Jay: Now this is what I'm talking about, boys. You give people an inch, they'll run all over you.
Phil: Or you could just be nice. Pay it forward. They don't make movies out of bad ideas.
Jay: All I know is you gotta fight for what you want. If there's one job available, this guy just got it and they go hungry at the Dumphys.
Phil: Dunphys!

Mitchell: Okay, I don't get it. Why is she biting? Lily, why are you biting?
Cameron: She's not biting, she's teething.
Mitchell: On people. All right, she starts biting her playdates, she's gonna be a pariah.
Cameron: Try piranha.
Mitchell: Really, Cam?
Cameron: It was right there.

Phil: Hey. I don't know what happened. I just- I I don't know what happened.
Jay: Look, I might have come down on you a little bit hard today. I'm sorry.
Phil: I remember pretending to go look for some socks.
Jay: I mean, it's, uh, my fault. I pushed your buttons. My father-in-law was the same way with me. It was horrible.
Phil: Grandpa Lucus? He was a sweetheart.
Jay: Yeah, after the stroke mellowed him out good. Before, an animal.
Phil: We named Luke after him.
Jay: Everything I did was wrong. If I said it was white, he'd say it was black. Although he never said anything was black, 'cause he was a pretty big racist.
Phil: I wear his watch.

Jay: I hated him. Hated him! And I was thinking, I don't know I don't want you to think the same way about me.
Phil: You ever think about maybe not being a jerk to me so much?
Jay: You see, you got to stop taking that stuff personally. I'm like that with everybody. I'm tough.
Phil: And mean.
Jay: I don't like to take guff.
Phil: Or people's feelings into consideration.
Jay: Okay, okay. I can't swear my way is the right way. I see you smiling, skipping around and I think sometimes, I don't know, maybe the boys would be better off if they were a little bit more like you.
Phil: You know skipping burns more calories than running, that's-
Jay: We're done here.

Cameron: Okay, Lily. [singing, playing ukulele] Take a bite of an apple Take a bite of a pear Take a bite of the cookie that you left over there Here's one thing you should never do Don't bite Taylor or Brandon or Sue Because people aren't food People aren't food Your friends will run away if they're scared of being chewed And as a side note, private parts are private .

Mitchell: Did she just bite you again?
Cameron: No.
Mitchell: That is it. I am getting the pepper.
Cameron: No. No, you are not.
Mitchell: Cam, you're not doing her any favors by being soft.
Cameron: Why don't you just skip the pepper, I'll get some pliers and we'll pull her teeth now!