Luke: Hey, Dad, I think I found a place online where I can sell this organ. Can you drive me to the black market?
Phil: I think they mean a different kind of organ, buddy.

Claire: Boy, I wish Haley would date some other boys.
Phil: What's that you say, Mrs. Robinson?
Claire: Don't.

Jay: [on the phone] I'm sorry, but I gotta have lunch with my wife today. I know, baby, but I had to marry her so she could stay in the country.
Gloria: Oh, no. Where am I gonna find another husband that wears sweatpants to work?
Jay: Resort wear.
Gloria: Mm-hmm. Maybe last resort.

Jay: I'm glad you guys stopped by for lunch, 'cause you know what? I gotta work a little late tonight.
Gloria: Oh, not tonight. Did you forget our date?
Jay: No. No. I was kidding.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I had no idea what she was talking about. Gloria, God love her likes to celebrate every possible milestone in our relationship: the day we met; our first date, which I forgot so we got in a big fight. Now we commemorate the big fight.

Gloria: Ay, my poor papi. Two doctors in one day.
Manny: Mom, I'm fine. The hospital said I could go back to school.
Gloria: No. You suffered a traumatic experience.
Manny: I barely remember it. I remember crashing through the wall and the ambulance ride to the hospital.
Jay: That wasn't an ambulance. I drove you.
Manny: Then what was that siren?
Jay: That was your mother.
Gloria: I was not that loud.
Jay: Cars pulled over, honey.

Manny: Jay, I'm sorry about your wall.
Jay: Wasn't your fault. It was Jack's, and I've already taken care of him.
Gloria: You kill him?
Jay: Can't kill people here. I fired him.

Claire: You know what this reminds me of?
Haley: Huh?
Claire: When you were little and we used to snuggle and watch soap operas together. Remember that? Nothing's changed. Sonya's still married to that guy with the-
Haley: Wait a second.
Claire: Bad hairline.
Haley: [answering phone] Dylan? Okay. God, I miss you too. Oh, it's just a cold, silly. You don't have to conceive of a world without me. Oh, nothing. I'm just in bed with my mom. Stop freaking out. It is not coming true.

Phil: [aside to camera] Changing the battery in a smoke detector is what they teach you in Man 101 so, of course, every time I hear that noise, all I hear is "Beep, beep. You're not a man. Beep, beep. You're not-" [alarm beeps] Really?

Manny: Mitchell, I'd like to engage your legal services in representing my friend Jack in a wrongful termination suit.
Jay: Forget it. He's not coming back. Don't take the case, Mitchell.
Mitchell: I don't think I was gonna take the case.

Claire: You know something else you might find interesting Sonya is drinking because she married a buffoon when she was young and now she realizes she's wasted her entire life. Can you imagine making a mistake like that?
Haley: Yeah, that must be horrible.
Claire: Yeah, now she's just a bitter ghost of a woman filled with resentment. But that's what happens when you commit to someone before you see what else is out there. [alarm beeps]
Phil: [o.s.] Seriously?
[aside to camera:]
Haley: She couldn't have laid it on thicker. "Ghost of a woman"? "Total buffoon"? I'm not an idiot. She was talking about her and my dad.