Mitchell: I can't believe you went behind my back. We agreed-
Cameron: We didn't agree on anything. You agreed. We don't have to agree on everything. I didn't like the book you bought her last week but I didn't stop you from reading it to her.
Mitchell: What was wrong with it?
Cameron: How was it a big day for Biscuit, Mitchell? How?
Mitchell: Okay, this isn't about Biscuit.

Dylan: Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Dunphy. Is Haley ready for school?
Phil: She's on her way down. Don't get too close to my wife.
Dylan: Haley told you about that? It was just a dream.
Claire: Oh, God.
Phil: Okay, that came from the kitchen.
Dylan: I thought it was in here.
Phil: Okay, you wait in here and listen for it. I'm gonna wait in there.
Dylan: I mean, it's the least I can do after... Well, you know.

Luke: Is that Mom's apron?
Phil: It's an apron. It's unisex. Some of the world's greatest chefs are men.
Luke: But it's bumped out where the boobs go.

Claire: Phil, no. Stop.
Phil: I gotta stop the damn chirping.
Claire: This isn't about the noise. Sweetie, you're having a bad day.
Phil: At the end of a bad month.
Claire: I know.
Phil: You know how scary that is, Claire?
Claire: No. No, I don't because you never tell me the bad stuff. You only share all the good stuff. Honey, what happened to us being a team? Right? We're supposed to lean on each other. Honey I have faith in you.

Claire: What are you doing?
Phil: Shush. Shush. One of the smoke alarms is chirping. I'm trying to figure out which one it is so I can change the battery.
Claire: [congested] Well, if anybody can find it, it's you.
Phil: You sound horrible. Why don't, uh- Why don't you go back to bed?
Claire: 'Cause I've got too much to do. I've gotta make the ladyfingers for the bake sale and I've gotta go by the gym. I left my phone there yesterday.
Phil: I'll do all of that. We're a team. When one of us is weak, we lean on the other.
Claire: Honey, you don't have to do that stuff.
Phil: Honey, with all you do for me including going to the gym four times a week to keep me interested I got this.

Cameron: [on the phone] Honey, Haley and Dylan are not us. No, I think that amount will be fine. I'm just happy you want Lily. I think you're going to be very happy with her. Okay. [hangs up]
Mitchell: Cam, did you just sell our baby?
Cameron: No, but do you remember that agent we met that represents child actors the one who said Lily might have what it takes and gave us his card?
Mitchell: That I threw away.
Cameron: That I fished out of the trash. That was him on the phone. They're shooting a children's furniture store commercial today and they want Lily.
Mitchell: Look, I threw away that card for a reason.
Cameron: Come on. It'll be fun. And Lily'll be on TV. And we can put the money in her college account.
Mitchell: No. Let's just let our daughter have a normal childhood, huh?
Cameron: I think that gay cruise has sailed.

Cameron: I wouldn't expect you to understand us. You're not theater folk.
Mitchell: And neither are you. You did Godspell one summer in a barn. You're barn folk.
Cameron: Get used to that jealousy, Lily. Ordinary people just don't understand us.

Manny: Good day, Jackson.
Jackson: Good day, Manuel.
Manny: I see you're still forklifting.
Jackson: More like lifting the fork.
Manny: Man. I was gonna say that joke.

Jay: Honey, I was thinking. With what happened to Manny maybe we'd better postpone our special day until next weekend.
Gloria: No, next weekend is the anniversary of the first time that I cooked for you.

Phil: How you doin', Typhoid Clairey?
Claire: Hey, what are you doing home?
Phil: She caught your cold and had to come home. I thought we should contain you two and keep it from spreading through the house.