Claire: How ridiculous would I look taking a call on stairs? Plus, I need my shelves, 'cause I had this whole thing worked out with the products and...
Jay: You don't need gimmicks! You were the C.E.O. for Pritchett's freakin' Closets. You know how many people can say that? Me and you! And Margaret every five years, when I went under for my colonoscopy.

Mitchell: I keep making lists of all the pros and cons in my head. Uh, the... the way a baby smells is on both.
Cameron: Okay, alright. Pros, go.
Mitchell: Okay, well, a baby to love. The sound of giggling. [Cameron chuckles] You know, a bigger family, an extra vote on whether to pull the plug on us when we get old. I'm worried that Lily has an itchy trigger finger.
Cameron: Yeah, and another child would help us figure out how much of Lily's personality is our fault and what's on her.
Mitchell: It would be nice to be vindicated.

Haley: Ooh! Speaking of hot people, maybe I should go and recruit for NERP. For legal reasons, we need a science-y person to endorse product. Considering we're all a bunch of people who didn't graduate college, we sell a lot of products that go inside of you.
Alex: Yeah, no, it doesn't really work that way. A, you have to be invited, and B, no self-respecting scientist is going to endorse the nonsense your company is pushing.
Haley: Excuse me, but our copper-infused toothpaste is on the FDA's top ten items to watch, so...