Dabney: I cued it up to the best part.
Man: [v.o. on tape] It's Battle Bots! And it's a free-for-all at the battle arena.
Malcolm: I thought this was porno.
Dabney: Ew! No. This is better.
Stevie: And no one's... excluded.
Malcolm: Come on, this is the lamest thing I've- Oh, my God! Is that real? It's an open competition.
Dabney: People build killer robots put them in a ring and see which one comes out alive.
Malcolm: Killer robots?! [to camera] I can't believe it. Finally something cool about being smart.

Hal: What are the odds, huh of Francis having an emergency appendectomy two months after using the same excuse to ditch school?
Lois: Well, he was never very lucky.

Lois: Well, there's my cab. [Hal kisses Lois] What's that all about?
Hal: A little something to remember me by.
Lois: You know, it just occurred to me that we have not been apart for one night in 18 years. You going to be okay with that?
Hal: [baby voice] I think I can manage without my mommy for a few days.
Lois: I told you that baby voice creeps me out.
Hal: Sorry.

Malcolm: Dad?
Hal: Yeah.
Malcolm: A couple friends and I want to explore our engineering and machining skills...
Hal: Sounds great.
Malcolm: So, um... you think it'd be all right if a bunch of Krelboynes and I build a robot in the house?
Hal: Yeah, fine.
Malcolm: [to camera] Whoa, that was easy, even for him!

Malcolm: [to camera] This is great. I can make a huge mess, build a killer robot and Mom's not here to yell at us. I don't even mind having Krelboynes in the house.

Malcolm: How many sodas have you had?
Dewey: I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Look, I can write on my tongue.

Malcolm: Dad?
Hal: Hey, boys.
Malcolm: The guys want their- Are you smoking?
Hal: Oh, this? No, I'm just- just playing around. Listen, don't tell your mom, okay? She'd kill me if she found out. She worked so hard to get me to stop. Oh, God, how I miss that woman.

Finley: Your mom is great.
Francis: This isn't my mom. It's an act. It's some kind of freaky mind game she's playing with me. Any second now, her face is going to split open and she's going to reveal herself for the evil banshee she really is.
Finley: Man, I don't know why she puts up with you.

Lois: Oh, hi, honey. Where you been?
Francis: I want you to leave.
Lois: What?
Francis: I want you to leave. You made your phony point. You made me look like an idiot. Mission accomplished.
Lois: Okay. You know what? I have had it with you, mister. You have done nothing but bitch and moan since I got here and I've been nothing but pleasant.
Francis: Exactly!
Lois: Oh, you complain when I'm pleasant and you complain when I'm not pleasant? There's no winning with you. Why don't you just tell me exactly how you want me to behave every second of the day and we'll see if that satisfies you.
Francis: This isn't fair. You're taking my pain and you're twisting it into your guilt trip.
Lois: Fine. Why don't I just leave then?
Francis: Fine.
Lois: Fine.

Francis: I thought your flight wasn't until 11:00.
Lois: It isn't.
Francis: So you have some extra time. You want to do something?
Lois: We're in the middle of Alabama. What is there to do?
Francis: Gay rodeo's in town. That could be interesting.
Lois: Well, if that's what you want to do.
Francis: Look, it isn't really what I want to do. I'm trying to be pleasant.
Lois: We'll go.