Spangler: Well, Cadet, I see you survived.
Francis: Yes, sir.
Spangler: I brought you a little something to take your mind off the pain. This is a good opportunity for you to catch up on your homework. Take it from me. A lengthy hospital stay is the perfect environment to focus your mind and attack weaknesses in your character. If it hadn't been for this... I never would've learned conversational French. Carry on.

Finley: You feeling okay?
Francis: I feel like I have a belly full of broken glass. Every time I breathe in, I almost pass out from the pain. This is the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Finley: What?
Francis: For as long as I can remember, my mom has been torturing me with guilt. I've never been able to fight back, but this is perfect! Her firstborn child almost dies and she's the one who sent me here. She can't dismiss it, she can't argue about it, she can't twist it around and make it my fault. It's beautiful! [groans]
Finley: Dude, you almost died.
Francis: I want you to say that again when she gets here. Oh, this poor woman has no idea what she's walking into.

Malcolm: Okay, Mom's only going to be gone for about four or five days, so we have to prioritize. What are you asking Dad for?
Dewey: I want to wear my pajamas to school.
Reese: I'm getting a scope for my BB gun.
Malcolm: You don't have a BB gun.
Reese: Not yet.
Malcolm: Okay. But since I'm asking to build a killer robot I should go first.
Reese: Why?
Malcolm: Because anything after "killer robot" is going to sound reasonable.

Francis: I can't believe my mom missed them putting my catheter in. Maybe I should take it out so they can reinsert it when she gets here.
Man: Or maybe you could - I don't know - shut up about your mom for half a second. No one's that bad.
Francis: Hey, I've been sugar-coating it for you 'cause you're enfeebled.
Lois: [o.s.] Francis!
Francis: But you can just see for yourself.
Lois: [enters] Hi, honey. You look terrible! [kisses Francis's forehead]
Francis: [weakly] You think that's going to appease your guilt?
Lois: What guilt? Boy, it's stuffy in here. That can't be good for you. You look pasty. Have you had a bowel movement? When is the last time you moved your bowels?

Lloyd: Well, what about my design for the polycarbonate body?
Stevie: It's a... butterfly!
Lloyd: Correction: killer butterfly. Beautiful yet deadly. The perfect killing machine.

Lois: You know, this room isn't so bad. The way you whined about it, I thought it was going to be a couple of cots and a drain in the floor.
Francis: What are you doing?
Lois: You're stinky. I'm going to give you a sponge bath.
Francis: You're not giving me a sponge bath.
Lois: Arms up. [Francis groans] Just because you had surgery is no reason to be a pig.
Francis: Mom, did you know that I almost died?
Lois: Oh, you did not almost die.
Francis: My appendix burst! They had to vacuum out the contents of my intestines. You could not possibly comprehend the pain that I was in. That I am in.
Lois: Yeah. I don't know anything about pain. What, with four boys totaling 112 hours of labor... you being half of that, I might add.
Francis: I'm sorry that I came out feet first, Mom.
Lois: That's okay, honey. I forgave you years ago.

Lois: Oh, God, that tattoo.
Francis: I like the tattoo, Mom.
Lois: What is it with the men in this family and tattoos? [Francis grunts] It took me five years to get your father to burn his off. What, are you growing potatoes in there?
Francis: Dad had a tattoo?
Lois: Yeah, he put a great big " Lois" right across his rear end. Actually thought I'd be flattered by it. Boy, that guy was such a mess when I met him. Between the motorcycle and the drinking and the fighting... He was so reckless, it was crazy. Where do you think you boys get it from?
Francis: That just doesn't sound like Dad.
Lois: Yeah, well, that was a long time ago. Your father has been quite a project. I spent years hounding him and scolding him and constantly watching him... But finally, I got all that rebellion right out of him.
Francis: I can't believe Dad had a wild side.
Lois: Well, someday, you're going to meet a nice girl. She's going to do the same thing for you. Do your lowers.

Malcolm: [to camera] Well, we just finished the 45th and final video of the Shao-Lin Dragon series. We are now officially desensitized to violence.

Reese: Well, we can start in on Monks of Death or lighten things up with a little Samurai Bloodfest.

Malcolm: Um, the guys want their blueprints back.
Hal: Oh, yeah, they're over there. I've gone way past that. Hey, picture this. A laser-guided bee cannon. Bees shot out with the precision of a laser.
Malcolm: How would that hurt a robot?
Hal: Oh, come on, think. It's not for the robot. It's for the guy controlling the robot. [laughs] Buzz, zap! You're going home with a plaque or ribbon or whatever crappy award they give you for winning.
Stevie: This... will end... badly.
Hal: There we go. [dog howls] [Hal howls] I hear you, old fella! [chuckles] You're not alone. [howls]