Sgt. Hendrix: Well, troop, you've polished your boots before everyone else. How on God's good earth did you accomplish that miracle?
Reese: I just did it exactly the way you told me to. Remove laces, pull tongue forward, apply polish, pull tongue backward, buff, replace laces, repeat. I did the same thing to make my bed and secure my foot locker.
Sgt. Hendrix: Well, that's the most miraculous turnaround that I've ever seen. I want you to explain to these recruits how the worst soldier in the unit has managed to put them all to shame!
Reese: I just stopped thinking. I figured out that using my brain was the whole problem... not just here, but my entire life. If I just do exactly what I'm told and nothing else, then everything gets easy. It's not even a question of smart or dumb. You just turn yourself into a tool. I'm much happier that way. I'm the world's happiest tool.
Sgt. Hendrix: You must be proud of yourself, son.
Reese: I don't know if I am or not. I'm waiting for you to tell me.
Sgt. Hendrix: My God. A soldier like you comes along once in a thousand years.

Lois: Oh, Jamie finally fell asleep. Haven't you finished paying these bills yet?
Hal: How am I supposed to know which ones to blow off? "Ultimate Final Notice" is obviously more serious than "Absolute Final Notice," but pink is angrier than yellow, and this one's still saying, "Please."

Lois: Well, forget this one. What's the vet going to do? Bring Dewey's bird back to life?

Sgt. Hendrix: All right, troop, you're next. Get in the chair.
Reese: [holds up magazine] Okay, I was thinking something like this. Look at this lifeguard. Is there a straight-guy version of that, 'cause that'd be perfect for me. [The barber runs the clippers right down the middle of Reese's scalp] Okay, if you stop here, I think I can still make it work. ... It'll look longer when it's combed out, right?

Hal: Ooh! Sorry, Officer. Excuse me.
Police Officer: You in a hurry?
Hal: You know, busy day. You understand.
Police Officer: Is that your backpack?
Hal: Oh, uh, no, no. Absolutely not.
Police Officer: Better check it out. [unzips bag] Whoa! I think we got a bomb here. You got to get out of here.
Hal: No, I-I can't.
Police Officer: Sir, I need you to step away to a distance of at least 150 feet.
Hal: I can't do that. I'm... I'm... I'm in the bomb squad.
Police Officer: What?
Hal: That's right. You better let a professional handle this. Damn. I was a week from retirement. You get to safety. I'll take it from here.
Police Officer: Yes, sir.

Lois: Dewey, could you please not do that right now?
Dewey: Look, I need to have both the Debussy and the Ravel nailed by tomorrow morning. The selection committee for the youth music festival won't be impressed with simple etudes.
Lois: What?
Dewey: I'm just sharing my day. Thanks for taking an interest.

Reese: Beth. Are your parents passed out yet?
Beth: Yeah, but what are you doing? I thought you were working late. Why are you dressed like that?
Reese: Because I've been thinking about this moment for a long time, and I want it to be perfect. Beth, I have something to tell you. Beth... I love you. I love you. I love you.
Beth: Oh, God. This is going to be so horrible for you. I am so sorry.
Reese: What do you mean?
Beth: I want to break up.
Reese: Oh. Yeah, yeah, that's okay. Yeah, that's fine. You know, I was just kidding anyway about... yeah. It's no biggie. [romantic music is played outside]
Beth: Look, Reese. It's not you, it's me. I just think I can do better. I think we should end it now before things get even... Can we stop that music?
[After Reese gives a signal to stop the music, an array of white doves are released]
Reese: I should go.

Dewey: Well, I aced my audition. They're sending me to the state finals. So now I just need to tell them how many family members are coming.
Lois: Dewey, we're in the middle of something important here.
Dewey: So that's me and everybody who cares about me. One.

Lois: Do you believe the way these guys operate? They find some weak little patsy they're sure's going to crack under the slightest pressure just so they don't have to do their own legwork.
Hal: I'm embarrassed for both of us.
Lois: Well, this is America, Hal. You are not going to lie to put someone in jail who might be innocent.
Hal: You are right, and you know what? I'm going to tell them that right now.
[After Hal walks over to the window and flicks the light on and off twice, a van is heard speeding away]

Dewey: Malcolm, Malcolm. Wake up! Reese is gone.
Malcolm: What? Where'd he go?
Dewey: The note didn't say. "If my own brother could stab me through the heart..." Blah, blah, blah... "Teardrops..." Blah, blah, blah... "Good-bye forever." Look. Mom and Dad are going to make a big deal out of this. Let's just sit on it till I get an answer about my music festival.