Hal: What's happening? What are you doing?
Agent Stone: Wixted rolled over on you, Hal. He told us all about your offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands, altering documents, the villa, everything.
Lois: Can't he at least put some pants on?
Agent Stone: Just as soon as we get a good perp-walk out of him.
Lois: This is ridiculous! He doesn't belong in jail! He doesn't even look in the back of the TV Guide for the crossword answers!
Hal: Honey, I love you. Keep the phone bill paid so I can call you. And the trick to the thermostat is to push in before you twist it.
Police Officer: Sir, you need to stand still.
Hal: And I need a lawyer. Not Reese's. I-I want a good one.
Police Officer: Sir, you need to stop squirming.
Lois: Boys, go back in the house.
Hal: Boys, your daddy loves you very much. And don't worry about this.
Police Officer: Sir, this is your last warning.
Hal: Believe in the American Justice Sys... [screams]
Dewey: I guess Dad's a no.

Sgt. Hendrix: Welcome to the U.S. Army, your home for the next three years. You will proceed single-file on the yellow stripe to the processing facility. Do not overwork your tiny little brains trying to figure out what the other stripes are for. Now move!
[Reese takes out a picture of Beth]
Reese: Not good enough? I'm good enough for this place.
[Reese throws the picture of Beth in a trash can full of other ripped-up pictures of ex-girlfriends]
Sgt. Hendrix: Hold it! Are you sure you're 18?
Reese: Got the driver's license to prove it.
Sgt. Hendrix: All right, Private Jetson. Get back in line!

Sgt. Hendrix: Good morning, maggots! Now, I want you to understand why I call you maggots. The maggot is the slimy, quivering larval form of the common housefly, and we all know what maggots eat. [Hendrix passes Reese, who is the only private not in his fatigues and is busy playing a game] And I will be the guy providing... Good God. I bet there's a great story for this, isn't there, son?
Reese: Hang on.
Sgt. Hendrix: Of course.
Reese: Okay.
Sgt. Hendrix: Would you like to tell me what happened to your gear, Private?
Reese: Oh, I traded it. I got this and five cartridges.
Sgt. Hendrix: So, you just blithely gave away your government-issued rucksack and poncho?
Reese: Well, the pack, I figure, I can eventually get off a dead guy, and the poncho? Come on. Does it look like rain to you?
[cut to Reese doing push-ups in the mud as Hendrix holds a garden hose over him:]
Reese: [sings] My drill sergeant helps me learn I am just a lowly worm He commands the sun and rain I am just a human stain My drill...

Malcolm: So, I put the base station in there with a portable power supply. I modulated a standard cell phone to mimic the analog modem. Just make sure you stay within 30 feet of this backpack.
Hal: Don't worry. I've got the ankle bracelet completely camouflaged.
[Hal is wearing white, flared jeans from the '70s]
Hal: Can you believe your mom wanted to give these to the blind?
Francis: Remember, you have to be back by 4:00. That's when Mom gets home.
Hal: And you understand how important it is to keep this from her, don't you? [Francis nods] Francis, you're in charge of making sure Malcolm doesn't betray me, like he's prone to do.
Francis: Absolutely.

Piama: That's not evidence! Those are my birth control pills! I brought them with me!
Police Officer: The beagle made a pointy foot. It's out of my hands, lady.
Francis: What the hell is wrong with you? [quietly] At least leave me one.
Lois: Francis, don't make any more trouble than we already have. And you do not have a warrant to vandalize our house! When this is all over, you are going to be chalking tires all the way from here to Montreal!
Police Officer: Don't you threaten me, lady.
[The arguing continues as Dewey plays the keyboard and listens through headphones]
Lois: ...with both hands and a flashlight!

Malcolm: [to camera] That's Beth, Reese's girlfriend for the last month. She's really starting to bug me. First I had to hear them through their baby-talk phase. Then they had their giggling phone call phase. Now they're on their endless making-out phase. It's gotten to the point where I can't tell if they're kissing or cleaning each other.

Hal: The Feds arrested Morrison today. He locked himself in the supply cabinet and they just carried the whole thing out.
Lois: God, haven't they finished arresting people yet?

[In the morning, Hal walks out of the house with his briefcase and climbs into the car:]
Agent Stone: Buckle up. [Hal gasps] I'm Agent Stone. This is Agent Scurry. We're from the FBI.
Hal: I thought it was just a squirrel. That's why I kept going. God, if I could have that day back, I would give anything...
Agent Stone: Sir, this is about the company you work for. In the last eight months we've filed 230 criminal indictments. People are flying into jail cells. It's beautiful. Except for your department. But we're just about ready to pounce on Ken Wixted.
Hal: Ken Wixted?
Agent Stone: We've got him dead-to-rights. We just need you to confirm a couple of key details. Did you ever see Ken Wixted change the numbers on a Section 13B filing after it was signed by the company auditors?
Hal: What? No.
Agent Stone: Did he ever mention, maybe in passing, anything about an offshore account in the Cayman Islands, or a villa? Anything about a villa?
Hal: I don't think so.
Agent Stone: Hal, we really, really need you to search your memory. Think hard about whether you're remembering right, or whether you should change your answer to yes.
Hal: Do you want me to lie?
Agent Stone: We're just asking if you'd like to confirm what everybody already knows, or whether you'd like to provoke the full fury of the United States government. Now, can you swing by my kid's school? I forgot to give him his lunch.

Beth: Reese, if I could make myself like you, I would.
[Reese notices a shoe poking out from under Beth's bed]
Reese: What's that?
Beth: Reese, stop, you're going to wake up my parents.
[When Reese grabs the boy hiding under the bed and turns him around, it's Malcolm]
Reese: You really don't want to do this. It's not what...
Malcolm: [to camera] She grew on me. [to Reese] Please don't kill me. You can break my fingers. Or if you just want to rest, I'll break them for you. [chuckles]
Reese: I just want you to be happy. [exits]
Beth: Wow, I thought there'd be a huge fistfight. I mean, I had no right to expect it, but I would have understood. [horse neighs]

Lois: They want you to lie?
Hal: They never said that exactly. Well, the big guy never said anything. These guys are serious, Lois. And they're everywhere. It's scary.