Reese Quote #427

Quote from Reese in Reese Joins the Army: Part 1

Sgt. Hendrix: Well, troop, you've polished your boots before everyone else. How on God's good earth did you accomplish that miracle?
Reese: I just did it exactly the way you told me to. Remove laces, pull tongue forward, apply polish, pull tongue backward, buff, replace laces, repeat. I did the same thing to make my bed and secure my foot locker.
Sgt. Hendrix: Well, that's the most miraculous turnaround that I've ever seen. I want you to explain to these recruits how the worst soldier in the unit has managed to put them all to shame!
Reese: I just stopped thinking. I figured out that using my brain was the whole problem... not just here, but my entire life. If I just do exactly what I'm told and nothing else, then everything gets easy. It's not even a question of smart or dumb. You just turn yourself into a tool. I'm much happier that way. I'm the world's happiest tool.
Sgt. Hendrix: You must be proud of yourself, son.
Reese: I don't know if I am or not. I'm waiting for you to tell me.
Sgt. Hendrix: My God. A soldier like you comes along once in a thousand years.

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 ‘Reese Joins the Army: Part 1’ Quotes

Quote from Hal

Lois: Oh, Jamie finally fell asleep. Haven't you finished paying these bills yet?
Hal: How am I supposed to know which ones to blow off? "Ultimate Final Notice" is obviously more serious than "Absolute Final Notice," but pink is angrier than yellow, and this one's still saying, "Please."

Quote from Reese

Sgt. Hendrix: All right, troop, you're next. Get in the chair.
Reese: [holds up magazine] Okay, I was thinking something like this. Look at this lifeguard. Is there a straight-guy version of that, 'cause that'd be perfect for me. [The barber runs the clippers right down the middle of Reese's scalp] Okay, if you stop here, I think I can still make it work. ... It'll look longer when it's combed out, right?

Quote from Lois

Lois: Well, forget this one. What's the vet going to do? Bring Dewey's bird back to life?