Malcolm Quote #663
Malcolm: [over bullhorn] Give me liberty or give me death to cockroaches, fleas and ticks. Lucky Aide Bug Bombs only $2.49. [to camera] Two years ago, I was thrown out of the locker room completely naked. Compared to now, that was a moment of pride and quiet dignity. [over bullhorn] Fourscore and seven... stool softeners for the price of six.
Lois: How you doing, honey? The manager says he hasn't heard you announce the Lucky Leader specials all morning.
Malcolm: No one cares about the special, Mom.
Lois: All right, if you want me to get up on a ladder and do it with you...
Malcolm: [sings over bullhorn] It's a grand old sale It's a high-flying sale On an exciting personal hygiene product that's new.
Lois: See? It's fun when you get into it.
Malcolm: [sings over bullhorn] If your jock has a rash And you want to save cash There's a star-spangled ointment for you. [to camera] Crap. I'd kill myself, except they'd run that picture in the paper.
Craig: Sorry I'm late, big guy! Hey! Where's the stopper for your pee hose?
Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
‘Stilts’ Quotes
Quote from Lois
Lois: [to Malcolm] You really got to stop being such a snob. There's pride in doing anything well. I'd rather you were the best toilet scrubber in the world than a slapdash Supreme Court justice. And how about showing me a little bit gratitude? There's nothing embarrassing about working at Lucky Aide.
Quote from Hal
Hal: Oh, Dewey. I need your help. You're always skulking around, listening in on everyone's conversations. Do you have any dirt on your mom? I need something really big and awful. I did something bad, so I have to find something that she did bad, then I can confess what I did, and it won't seem like such a big deal.
Dewey: Sorry, Dad, but I don't just stash away information...
Hal: Stash? You found the stash? You and me partners. We cut everyone else out.
Dewey: No! No! I didn't find the stash!
Hal: Okay, okay. Are you sure she's not having an affair? Because that would be perfect.
Dewey: Sorry, Dad. I think she loves you.
Hal: Damn! If I can't do the "You did bad, I did bad" thing, then I gotta do the "I did bad, you'll get a big, expensive present" thing. Never get married, Dewey. If you want kids, get your eggs from the state.
Quote from Lois
Malcolm: Mom, what are you doing? I was in the middle of a game!
Lois: Do you want to explain why I found circled want ads sticking out of your backpack?!
Malcolm: Yes, I do.
Lois: I'm not interested! You are not finding another job!
Malcolm: Huh?
Lois: No! You are not getting a job away from my constant supervision, and that's it. I'm not going to risk your future by giving you even a second of freedom! This family has too much invested in you. Oh, cheer up. Once I find a proper wife for you, you'll have your precious space.