Hal: Oh, Dewey. I need your help. You're always skulking around, listening in on everyone's conversations. Do you have any dirt on your mom? I need something really big and awful. I did something bad, so I have to find something that she did bad, then I can confess what I did, and it won't seem like such a big deal.
Dewey: Sorry, Dad, but I don't just stash away information...
Hal: Stash? You found the stash? You and me partners. We cut everyone else out.
Dewey: No! No! I didn't find the stash!
Hal: Okay, okay. Are you sure she's not having an affair? Because that would be perfect.
Dewey: Sorry, Dad. I think she loves you.
Hal: Damn! If I can't do the "You did bad, I did bad" thing, then I gotta do the "I did bad, you'll get a big, expensive present" thing. Never get married, Dewey. If you want kids, get your eggs from the state.