Chandra: Do you know something, Stevie? Maybe it was meant for me to be here with you. You know, wasn't it fate that made Dawson's Creek a rerun so I came here?
Stevie: I guess... fate... can be kind... too.
Chandra: Oh, this is so awful!
Stevie: Stop. It's OK.
Chandra: No, it's not OK. I just keep thinking about everything you're gonna miss out on. You're never going to grow up. You're never gonna go to your prom. I mean, you're never gonna know what it's like to be loved. [sobs] What I'm thinking about doing goes against everything I believe in, but, then, I don't even know what I believe in any more. It's, like, what kind of a God could just let you die like this? [sobs]
Stevie: I'll ask... when I see him.

Hal: What do you think, more salt, more cilantro, a little zing of Tabasco?
Reese: It's perfect. I can't taste any more.
Hal: OK, dips: creamy, salsa, crab and compote. Chips: potato, corn, blue corn, sour cream and onion, salt and vinegar, Kettle. Bait.
Malcolm: How much did this table cost? Is this why I didn't get a birthday present?
Hal: This is my first time hosting the poker game and I want everything perfect when my friends come over. At least better than their stuff.

Hal: Oh, I almost forgot, do you know Brian's daughter, Chandra?
Reese: Yeah!
Malcolm: Of course.
Hal: Well, Brian's bringing her over tonight and I think she's bringing a friend.
Reese: Kristen?
Hal: Ah, yes, something, but Brian is playing poker so I need you two to entertain them, understand?
Malcolm & Reese: Uh-huh.
Hal: I mean it, boys, I don't want you bothering us. I want you and those girls in your room, all night with the door closed, got it?
Reese: [to Malcolm] There's your birthday present.

Dewey: Who's Chandra?
Malcolm: She's no-one to you, understood?
Reese: If you set one foot in our room tonight, you are dead.
Dewey: Where am I supposed to go?
Reese: I don't care but if I see you tonight, I'll charley horse every muscle in your body.
Dewey: But- [Reese punches Dewey's shoulder] Ow!
Reese: It disturbs me how much I enjoyed that. Don't make me do it again.

Malik: Did you hear the one about the astronaut and the hooker?
Dewey: Yeah, I didn't get it.
Hal: Dewey, I told you to stay in your room.
Dewey: But Reese said-
Hal: Look, Dewey, this is man time, you can't be here. How's the dip?

Reese: What are you doing here?
Dewey: You've kicked me out of my room already so I've nowhere else to go.
Reese: That's not my problem. [takes Dewey outside] And I don't want to hear you crying, it's a real mood killer.

Malcolm: Missing something?
Kristen: What did you do with it?
Malcolm: What do you think you are doing with a gun? Are you insane?
Kristen: Give it back.
Malcolm: No! You don't bring a gun into this house. You don't get to have a gun.
Kristen: Where is it?
Malcolm: This is where my family lives. You don't even know them and you brought a gun here? What the hell is wrong with you?
Kristen: You better tell me where it is.
Malcolm: No way. You can't have a gun.
Kristen: It's not mine, it's my boyfriend's. I'm just holding it for him because his parents search his room.
Malcolm: Well, they should, he's got a gun.

Reese: What are you doing here?
Dewey: What do you think?
Reese: Go pee outside. [Dewey doesn't move] Oh, for God's sake. [hands him a roll of toilet paper] Out.

Hal: When was the last time you just made time to talk to her? You're perfectly happy just closing off and not sharing your feelings.
Malik: Why don't you just get off my back!
Hal: There it is, you're shutting me out. Can't you just talk to me!
Malik: So you can twist my words and throw them back at me?
Hal: How many times do I have to apologize for that?

Kristen: Chandra, I'm going home.
Stevie: [o.s.] Sayo...nara!