Malcolm: Huh? Mom, this isn't fair. If I don't want to go, why do I have to?
Lois: Because it's not just up to you. We have to do what's best for you.
Malcolm: Mom, please! Don't make me go! Please!
Hal: Malcolm, calm down.
Malcolm: But it isn't fair!
Lois: That's right. It isn't fair. It's the first time anyone in this family has ever been given an edge and you are not going to waste it.

Malcolm: [to camera] Around here, being smart is exactly like being radioactive.
[An aerial shot shows the crowd of kids all some distance from Malcolm. When he shifts his weight on the bench, the group of kids move with him]

Malcolm: [to camera] So then, the principal comes out and everyone's all talking at once. So the story he puts together is that Spath attacks Stevie for his lunch and I'm like this hero that stepped in to defend him. It was beautiful. Okay, it wasn't funny when Spath started crying. No, wait, it was. Dad's hair ugh. Yeah, I know. It's gross. But, hey, if a bunch of birds can make the best out of what they get then so can I.
Dewey: [o.s.] Malcolm?
Malcolm: Like having to go to special class. I can make it work out, right?
Dewey: [o.s.] Malcolm?
Malcolm: Not now! Or my family. We're not the greatest family in the world but we can get better. I mean, it's not impossible.
Dewey: [o.s.] Malcolm?
Malcolm: What?!
Dewey: [in the trash can Malcolm's sitting on] Can I get out?
Malcolm: No, stop asking. So basically, I think everything's going to be okay.
Dewey: [pounding] A bug went up my nose.
Malcolm: So what do you want me to do about it?

Malcolm: So what do you do all day, homework?
Stevie: Mostly... read... comics.
Malcolm: You have comic books? [Stevie rolls back and opens his closet] Whoa! You really have Youngblood, number one?
Stevie: Want to... read it?
Malcolm: No way. I'd wreck it. Oh, did you read the last Savage Dragon when they split him in two?
Stevie: Yeah. Brilliant.
Malcolm: I like how he never has to learn a lesson or anything. He just gets to pound on everyone.

Lois: Let me tell you something else. The reason I didn't respond is because it is a load of crap.
Caroline: What?
Lois: You are not going to stick my Malcolm in some special ed class. What is it with you people? Why do you have to label everybody? Malcolm may be a little strange and, I know, I know, he never shuts up but he is not disturbed. You know, he is a good boy-
Caroline: Please! You know what? You don't understand at all, okay? So if I could just come in for a minute I could explain everything, okay?

Lois: Wait, wait, wait, wait. There's something we have to talk about.
Hal: I thought we weren't going to mention that until after the biopsy.
Lois: It's not that. It's about Malcolm.
Malcolm: I didn't do it.
Reese: He did it. I saw him.

Malcolm: Stop staring at me! Why do they keep doing that?
Stevie: You're new.
Malcolm: Oh, great. So I'm the freak of the freak show?
Stevie: Just... chill out.
Malcolm: Don't tell me to chill out. You chill out. Nobody can live like this.
Stevie: I'm okay.
Malcolm: Oh, sure. You're okay because it doesn't make any difference to you. You've always been a freak. I used to be normal. [to camera] Wait. Who just said that? [to Stevie] You're going to take that the wrong way aren't you?
Stevie: You... suck.