Malcolm: You want to watch TV?
Stevie: Can't. Not allowed.
Malcolm: What? You mean, ever?
Stevie: Mom says TV makes you stupid.
Malcolm: No, TV makes you normal. [to camera] How can they do that? He's in a wheelchair.

Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Young Master Malcolm.
Malcolm: Francis, hi.
Francis: Hey, man, I wrote you guys a really long letter yesterday but, listen, they only gave me, like, three minutes so would you put the special prosecutor on?
Malcolm: Mom, it's Francis.
Lois: [picks up the phone] Hey, Francis, how's school?
Francis: Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday, so, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.

Lois: A teacher from school came by and she ran some tests with Malcolm. He has an IQ of 165.
Hal: Who?
Lois: Malcolm. He's a genius. He's going to a special class.
Reese: What?
Hal: Malcolm's special? Where do you think that came from?

Malcolm: Hey, Spath! Why don't you stop being such a buttwipe?!
All: Ooh.
Spath: What'd you call me?
Malcolm: You heard me! I don't care anymore! I just don't care, Spath, okay? Alls you ever do is make everybody miserable! Except for your little monkey-slaves over there. Who, by the way, only pretend to like you. They hate you as much as everyone else does! And you're just too busy being mean and stupid to ever figure it out! [to camera] I keep trying to run, but my legs won't work. Mom was right: They are important.
Spath: Wow. I don't know about you but the Krelboyne really hurt my feelings. [walks towards Malcolm]
Stevie: Hey!
Malcolm: Go away, Stevie.
Spath: It's good you two are friends. He won't mind sharing his wheelchair.
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, this is where something good happens, finally. So we're going to slow down and make it last as long as possible.
[As Spath pulls his arm back, Malcolm throws chocolate pudding in his face. Malcolm turns to run away, but Spath grabs him by his shirt. As Spath once again pulls his arm back to punch Malcolm, he ducks. Spath's knuckles swing towards Stevie, lightly touching his chin. The crowd gasps.]
Boy: Dude, you hit a cripple.
[A second later, the crowd gasp as Stevie tips over in his wheelchair]
Spath: I didn't mean to- I wasn't trying- Stevie, I'm sorry.
[Stevie groans as a group of kids pick him up. Stevie smiles to Malcolm]
Boy: What's your problem? I mean, he's in a wheelchair and he has glasses. You know how bad that looks?

[Malcolm, Reese and Dewey are watching cartoons]
Malcolm: Saturday morning is the only thing my family does better than anyone else.

Lois: You boys, you keep this house clean till your dad comes home. Two of you can have slices of pizza for lunch. The other one can have... I don't know. I think they're peas.

Malcolm: Dad?
Lois: Honey?
Hal: Well look, honey... Malcolm, you see... Oh, for crying out loud. How come there's never any iced tea in this pitcher? I make a fresh batch every morning and it's gone by the time I get home.

Lois: Okay, I ran out of ham. One of you has to have egg salad, okay? And don't ditch your little brother. I don't want him getting kidnapped.
Reese: Yeah, Mom, that would be terrible. [to Malcolm] It's your turn to walk with him.
Malcolm: I walked him yesterday and the day before.
Reese: I walked with him when he wet his pants.
Malcolm: Okay.

Francis: [on the phone] Yeah, listen, um... I know I shouldn't ask but would you be able to send me my allowance like, a couple of weeks early 'cause I kind of need some?
Lois: Oh, my God! Are you smoking?
Francis: What?
Lois: You're smoking. I can hear you smoking. You're smoking, aren't you?
Francis: Mom, I'm not smoking. Geez.
Lois: After seeing the anguish your father and I went through to quit, didn't any of that register with you? Okay, listen. I'll talk to your dad. Maybe we can send you part of it. Honey, I have to go. I'm late for work. I'll call you later.
Francis: Okay, thanks, Mom. I love you. [dial tone]
Lois: [picks up phone again] Oh... I love you. [phone beeps]

Lois: They have a special program for gifted children. They have advanced textbooks and devoted teachers and all sorts of good things they don't want to waste on normal kids. You start on Monday.
Reese: You're going to be in the Krelboyne class?
Malcolm: Mom, no. I don't want to.
Lois: What are you talking about? Of course you want to.
Malcolm: No. I want to stay in my own class. I don't want to be a Krelboyne.
Reese: Mom, seriously, Krelboynes get their butts kicked.
Lois: Wait. Just stop one minute. There's nothing wrong with being smart. And there's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd. It makes you the one buffalo that isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff.