Hal: Lois, if we don't sign up right now, we're going to get a dressing area without a hook. Is that what you want?

Hal: I made the appointment for your facial tomorrow. I don't want to pick out jewelry until after we choose the gown. Now, the red one is nice. It's tasteful and really sets off your hair. But the blue one has a nicer drape and you cannot beat its "wow" factor. [chuckles] You know what? Let me worry about that. You can concentrate on your talent.
Lois: I don't know, Hal. I'm not even sure you can call it a talent.
Hal: What are you talking about? It is going to be great. That's why I blocked out the next three hours for you to work with Dewey.
Dewey: Dad, I have homework.
Hal: Oh, just buy it from the guy Reese buys his from.

Phil: Okay, Donna, here we go. "What aspect of being a woman do you find most fulfilling?"
Donna: What kind of stupid question is that?
Phil: Excuse me?
Donna: I don't mean that you're stupid. I... The question is... I mean... I'm not fulfilled. It's awful being a woman, right? Right? I'm cursed with children, too. I never wanted to have kids. I just wanted to... But I do... love America. How 'bout our country, huh?
Hal: Did you see that? She went up like the Hindenberg.
Lois: Wow, I guess I'm really doing okay.
Hal: So are you going to keep wasting time high-fiving yourself, or are we going to get back to work?

Hal: Okay, honey, that was pretty good. Unfortunately, there are three counties full of women who are "pretty good." We need a winner.
Lois: I think this would be going so much better if I could sing or dance or play a musical instrument.
Hal: We'll get to you, Lois. Right now Dewey's our problem. Now, son, I don't know anything about music, but this is how you should be playing it. Now, in the middle part, you're doing... [hums] And I want to hear more of... [scats]
Dewey: That's never gonna happen.
Hal: You know, I really don't need this from you right now. We've got one day to get the dress ready, our shoes aren't dyed and we have no idea where we're going with our hair!
Lois: Hal, calm down. What's happening? I thought this was supposed to be fun.
Hal: It is. [giggles] See?

Mr. Herkabe: Malcolm! I need a favor.
Malcolm: I already did you a favor with Darlene.
Mr. Herkabe: Which worked out spectacularly. And athletically. And repeatedly.
Malcolm: What else do you want?
Mr. Herkabe: I need you to break up with her.
Malcolm: What?
Mr. Herkabe: Well, she's gotten so clingy and dependent. She's suffocating me. Feel free to judge me, but remember who's judging your mother. Give her this note. At first I toyed with the idea of lying to her, but then I decided to tell her honestly I find her repellent. It's better to be classy.

Hal: Malcolm! Find your brother and get back here. The judges need to see all of us gazing adoringly up at your mother. Those Hendersons are making us look like chimps. [to Dewey] His smile is fading. Give him another hit. [Dewey pours pure cane sugar into Jamie's drinking bottle]

Malcolm: Reese, what are you doing? Dad's been looking all over for you.
Reese: I'm leaving, Malcolm. I'm claiming my birthright.
Malcolm: What?
Reese: I'm about to become a star, and from what I understand, I have to ruthlessly separate myself from you pathetic hangers-on, and probably eventually sue your asses. Take care, Malcolm. I'll see you in court.

Reese: Okay, I'm ready.
Nina: For what?
Reese: Whatever it is you do with beautiful people. I'll give you 20% and not a penny more. You may have to travel because I'm going to have a house in Miami, Milan, and that Disneyworld in France. You're welcome to fly my private jet, but I want you to keep it real. I'd also like a falcon.
Nina: What are you talking about? I can't do anything with you.
Reese: What? Why not? I've read the book, I measured everything. I'm perfect!
Nina: It's true, you do have the perfect features... for a middle-aged woman. If you want to, have a sex change, come back in 20 years and we'll talk.
Reese: No, please! This can't be how it ends. I'm supposed to have three rocky marriages and die in a hotel fire! Don't send me home! I'm too perfect to live like a person!

Hal: Okay, people reacted badly to the crown thing, so you gotta nail the talent portion. Now, I know you think it isn't a talent, but if you commit, we can make those oversized Barbies choke on their own batons. [Lois comes out of the dressing room in her regular clothes] What are you doing? Where's your top hat and fishnet thigh-highs?
Lois: Just get the car and the kids, Hal, and let's just slink out of here.
Hal: Wait, you can't just walk away.
Lois: Oh, yes, I can. This whole thing has been a disaster. I don't belong here. And I hate the way those women make me feel.
Hal: Come on, they're just a bunch of bitter hags.
Lois: And I hate the way you've been making me feel. We may have our ups and downs, Hal, but this is the first time I ever felt like I wasn't good enough for you.
Hal: You're right. I'm sorry. I mean, I know you're perfect, and for once, I wanted the whole world to know it.
Lois: Well, that's a nice idea, but that isn't going to happen. I don't know why I ever thought I could compete with these women. Hal, I can't handle them. I'm out of my league here.
Hal: What are you talking about? Do you know why those broads pulled that stunt? They're afraid of you, Lois. Right now you are surrounded by a bunch of idiots who fear you. You're not out of your league, you're at home.

Donna: [behind Lois's back] Well, I think we know who's winning Mrs. Deluded. [women laugh]
Reese: I didn't think it was possible, but the Mrs. Tri-County Pageant is about to get even uglier.